My .02

2002-12-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a harried couple of days. Jon was on his way down to Charelston on Friday when he was in an accident. He was about ten minutes from the office when it happened. Matthew and I had spent most of Friday runnig around and were in for the night when he called to say he was at the hospital.

He has several facial abrrasions and stiches in his inner and outer lip area. He was wearing his seat belt which probably saved his life or at least saved him from much more serious injuries. I'm not really sure I'll give the details of his accident here. It was not his fault and several witnesses said they couldn't believe what they saw and that there was nothing he could've done to prevent it, none-the-less it had a very sad outcome. Jon is doing very well all things considered. He's still in some pain, but none of his abbrasions are infected. I think it will just take some time to heal physically and emotionally.

When we arrived at the hotel late Friday night we both said, "It just wasn't right." We had both felt very unsettled in the morning before we went about our activites for the day. I couldn't have said what was going to happen, but I wasn't surprised when he called. He was also feeling very unsettled. He said after we left(M and I were off to see a friend) he just sort of waled around the house. He had left us several sweet notes to find when we got home.

I called a friend of mine quickly on Friday, just to pass on that Jon wouldn't be calling his co-worker later that night like he had planned. When I spoke with her yesterday she said a really strange thing had happened. Earlier last week her very dear friend called and asked if Jon was ok. K told her Jon was fine and asked why. T said she had had a very vivid dream in which Jon and I were in a car and I looked over and said, "Jon's not breathing. He's dead." So, T was calling to make sure everything was ok. Then she talked to her again Saurday and said Jon had been in accident and that he was alittle scratched up, but it wasn't anything major. T asked again if she was sure Jon was ok. At the time K only had the care details I had given her when I first talked to Jon (I didn't get the full story until later Friday night). Apparently, T sometimes has these prophetic or strange dreams, but they are usually about people who are really close to her. She's only met Jon twice, so that made it even more spine tingling. (K and T's husbands work together and Jon has just started working with them) When K actaully got the full story, she was just like, "Wow. I have to tell you about this call earlier in the week from T." I had a serious case of the chills.

This is the second potentially fatal car accident Jon has been in, so he's starting to think he's supposed to live where he can walk or bike. Both accidents (the other one was about 5 or 6 years ago) he has walked away with little injury(although this last one was definitely more)

I know this is totally disjointed, I just had to get it down.

2002-12-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered homw someone could suffer from insomnia. I mean, not be able to sleep...impossible! Now, I've become one of them. I wouldn't say I exactly suffer from insomnia, but my sleep has felt so disrupted lately. It feels like months since I've had a peaceful, restful sleep. Last night M woke up around 1 AM hysterically crying, "I want na-nas. I want na-nas." When I tried to soothe him and offered to nurse he only cried more. He was totally disoriented and inconsolable. Finally, I carried him cradled into the kitchen and then back into the bedroom where I was able to nurse him rocking in the bed. He was back asleep in no time, but it was a strange experience. Nothing like that has ever happened before.

It took me a little time to get back asleep after that. While he doesn't wake up like that every night, I'm definitely more aware of his nocturnal stirrings. I think that's the real reason I'm not waking up feeling rested. He's been nursing a *ton* at night and I'm just more aware of his presence. I think he's working on a couple of molars and the whole getting ready to turn two thing has him a little out of whack.

I alternate between feelings of irritation and guilty. Irritated that he's so needy at night and guilty that I feel such negativity toward him in the mid-night hours. He's just very hard for me to connect with sometimes. He's going through a seriuos grabbing, hair pulling and hitting phase right now. When my brother, his wife and M's cousin (who's two months older) were here last month, Jeff said he was really aggressive. Granted they parent totally different thatn us and I'm not sure how much they are in tune with the developmental changes occurring at that age, but I felt awful. Matthew has to have me right there with him, shadowing him and talking him through his interactions with other children. In all fairness, he's not *always* engaging in the above noted behvaior, it just feels like that to me and it's really frustrating. I feel like I am totally failing as a parent when I see him behaving like that-'Nobody elses children behave like that or with such intensity, why does mine' thinking, which I know is totally counterproductive. And really, in my heart, I know I'm a good mom and I'm giving him the skills he needs to negotiate thiese situations independently when he is able to, it just feels good to vent.

2002-12-02T21:14:00.000-05:00

Um, hallllloooooo

2002-12-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

Jon's parents stopeed by with MaMaw on their way back to Shelby. We had a nice, quick visit and it's always wonderful to see Jon's grandmother. We're not as close since our move back into the big city, but we still ry to see her every month. She is such a remarkable woman and I feel it is so wonderful that Matthew gets to be a part of his great grandmother's life.

Anyway, they brought Matthew a little birthday gift and while it is plastic, it was still very thoughtful. Jon's mom even said, "Now, I know it's not wooden, but..." It is a Brio dump truck with another trailer dumps that hitches on to the back of the main truck. Needless to say, it has been a very popular play piece. I found out today it is a great outside toy! :)

The package was wrapped in this wintery paper with red tissue paper underneth. Somehow this peice of tissue paper made it's way into our room, which is not the least bit surprising. This bright red pice of paper is sitting almost directly in the path of the doorway. We actually have to step *around* it when we walk into the room. That is just so us. We're not slobby people, in fact the rest of my house is quite neat and tidy, including the remainder of the bedroom, but we actually go out of our way to avoid simple tasks , like picking up the red tissue paper. Seriously, it's not the first time we've walked around, avoided, ignored or otherwise allowed our sight to be temporarily blinded by some simple item in the middle of our lives. It's just what we do. So, if you don't mind, would you please step around that tissue paper when you come in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon's out of town, which is always tough for me. It's only for the night, but I'll be happy when the trips to Charelston are a thing of the past. He was also gone last week, but my aunt and cousin were in town, so it didn't really count. We had a fabulous visit and I got to sit and talk with my cousin after over nine years. Long story, suffice to say my family of origin is a wee bit fucked and has theis dysfunctional pattern of outing family memebers. My aunt's family happended to be the victum of such dysfunction nine years ago and I have choosen to break this cycle for myself.

Anyway, back to our day. I always try to find ways to fill our day and make them a little out of the ordinary, just to keep me fresh. We ran some errands this morning, finally got around to getting some paint on Matthew's little wooden table and chair set, made brownies, tromped throgh the leaves and played outside. We had potato latkes for dinner, although I told Matthew it wasn't something you ate regularly, not exactly the healthiest of meals, but we enjoyed them at our indoor picni. We had to have a living room picnic because above mentioned table and chairs are out oc commision until we get them finished. I wanted to work on them tonight, but I am *so* exhausted. The thought of develing into that project holds zero appeal, so I'll just finish them later this week with Jon.

I chose this apple green color. Jon threw on a coat of white spary paint several months ago. A family I used to do child care for gave them to us when they moved up North. I actually asked Pandorah for them because I'd always loved the set and she gave them to us happily. I had visions of do some fun artistic painting on them, but I think we'll stick with simple. I did pull a color card with a complimetery color combination using the green that I just adored-pumpkin orange and this sunny yellow. I would love to paint the chair the yellow and orange and the table the green, but I can't justify spening $9 on a quart of a paint that's only going to paint a chair.

Matthew loved painting and was very serious about it for a time, then he started trying to paint himself and finger painting the table top, so we got to a stopping point and he took a tubby. I think they'll look great when there all finshed, but it's just not going to happen tonight...

On that note, I think I'll retire to the bed. I'm wondering if I have any light reading readliy available. I just finished _Good Harbor_ by Anita Diament(? _The Red Tent_), which was a quick fluffy read. I have _Voluntary Simplicity_ by Duane Elgin and _Dumbing Us Down_ by John Taylor Gatto currently going, but both of those would require *way* too much mental energy, of which I'm very low on right now, so it's off to scavage.

2002-11-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems fall has really arrived. i don't think there are any hot days left hiding, so it's offical fall mode. I'm a wee bit envious of those who have snow! It's likely we'll not see any this winter, there was only a small dusting last year. I love fall here. The sky stays that vibrant blue and with the leaves contrasting it, it's such a beautiful sight. We're still enjoying the outside, although I must say I find it rather amusing that the park seems rather empty in the morning...it's not THAT cold!

Matthew has a little case of the sniffles. We got his hair cut last night. It's the most we've cut. he looks like Joey Lawarence-The Gimme A Break years. J has been wroking on him saying "Whoa". M is chatting up a storm. I hear "I wanna see" many times a day. He's also started noticing possesion like, "Mommy shoes", "Daddy coat". When did he get so big?!

We've had a little shake-up with J's job. He's been transitioning to work from home with a friend's company and J talked to his boss about it today. His boss completely freaked and said many hurtful and out of line things to Jon. So, he may be working from home sooner than later. It's really a shame that it's gone down like this, as J was trying to give him some transition time (Jon's never kept it a secret that he wanted to work for himself, his boss has always been concerned about being left high and dry, which is exactly what he was trying to prevent!). It's just rather shitty that he's being treated so poorly.

I've been thinking about Corrie's post today. You know I've written and said some pretty crappy things about/to people and jumped on the bandwagon a couple of times. Certainly things I'd never say to someone face to face, but in this medium it suddenly seemed alright. That's one reason I've tried to step away from the main event. I don't like the way I see people treat one another and I don't like how I let myself get sucked in to the various dramas. Not that I'm an active participent, but sitting there reading and wasting time one something that really won't matter the next day.

Finally, I was reading Dirt's recent post at her blog. You know, I feel totally inadequate when I read soemthing like that. It really sounds like a home of joy and fun. I want to create and feel so at harmony with nature, but I'm not there yet. I'm working on it and will get there in time.

2002-11-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I blogged, that I've spent the last couple of minutes trying to remember my password! We've kept ourselves quite busy and I've found my computer time very limited during the day. Which is actually good, as I really think the computer is a major time suck. The problem is I keep thinking of things I want to ask about, but I just never get to YAAPS to do it. Well that, and I feel bad that I'm in such major lurk mode there that I think my user name is going to get deleted soon. Who am I to just pop in and chit chat away?

It's been on my mind lately because I'm reading _The Well Trained Mind_ and I want to discuss it. It's quite different from much of the HS theory I've read this far and while it seems like so muchm there are aspects that really resonate with me. Jon's brother and SIL have just switched their HS curriculum to Classical Education, so I'm anxiuos to hear how it is going.

We've been nusy. Matthew is becoming such a little person. We just spent the weekend at the beach with Jon's family celebrating his grandmother's 83 birthday. It was a very special celebration and nice to see everyone again. Matthew *loved* the sand and would've spent all day digging around and exploring in it. He came in the messiest of all the children...I love it! His new early rising status meant we got to enjoy the sun rise from the balcony. We got the king size bed since we needed the room. It pays to have that baby in bed with you! :)

I've been spending lots of time reading, building block structures and trying to get some things done for myslef. I finally made an NAET appointment. I;m not sure how useful it will be, but something MUST give with my skin. This is sort of a last ditch effort. I'm not sure what comes after this, but it looks pretty bad some days. I also *finally8 made an appointment with a therapist. The timing turned out to be really good, as things with my mother seem to have come to a head and I need an objective party to bounce ideas off of. I am hoping it will be beneficial. I also need to pick up my new glasses tomorrow. I swear I thought I was going blind, but I just needed an updated Rx.

Our trip to WA was so fantastic. I just cannot describe the peacefulness and clamness we felt on the island. It was such a magical place and had so many beautiful qualties physically and spiritually. I think I'll leave it at that, as anything I else I say will only diminish its beauty.

2002-10-09T14:28:00.000-04:00

just stopping in to say the internet is amazing!! i'm checking in from a small juice bar/ice cream shop at friday harbor on san juan island. this will have to be short, as we have a ferry to catch in a couple of minutes. i am *loving* island life. it is incredible, beautiful and so calming out here... will write more later

2002-10-09T14:27:00.000-04:00

2002-09-17T22:15:00.000-04:00

I have royally sucked at keeping my blog current. Per my usual style of my life in waves it has just not been something I’ve wanted to put the energy into (and I know all of my faithful readers, all two or three or you, have been disappointed with my neglect). So, I’m going to take an official sabbatical, as opposed to this rather unofficial silence I’ve been keeping.

Lest anyone worry, it really has nothing to do with the current happenings in Internet land. I am a tad tired of discussing (or seeing) the same stuff, ad museum to end up at the same place. I echo all the sentiments on acting like the adults we are (or are supposed to be). Intentional or not, we’ve probably all said hurtful things to another via our keyboards. I do find it a little ironic that the same people’s names (KWK, Lisa and/or Rhonda come to mind) are continually brought up when posting style, brutal honesty and all the other ‘buzz’ words that typically surround these conversations, are the very people who willingly admit, “Hell ya I said that or that’s what I think.” At least you know where they are coming from, as opposed to ambiguous comments (that I’ve certainly been guilty of). It may not be my style, but I respect that it is theirs (and I’m sorry to use the collective term, I fully recognize they are 3 separate people with their own unique personalities). I’m adult enough to take responsibility for where *I* participate in Internet land, what *I* say and to (finally) acknowledge this is the *Internet*, not real life. It is unrealistic for me to come to this medium wanting or expecting the interactions I have to be like the ones in my real life.

I have seen people get their feelings hurt at YAAPS, unnecessarily or rightly so depending on your view, but there’s what- 280 some people with registered user names? It’s not utopia folks, disagreements, clashing personalities and all the other dynamics that come with a large group are present at YAAPS. It’s part of the package in a large community and there’s nothing that can be done to keep YAAPS immune from those problems. I think Kerry and Debra have done an awesome job and have made YAAPS a pretty neat place to gather. They’ve worked hard to make it a community and they’ve succeeded in letting the *community* decide what kind of place it is (which IMO, overall is a comfy place). All the shit they put up with…not a job I’d like.

Just wanted to share my .02 with hopefully a little more clarity than I usually manage with my little climbing Matthew helper during the day.

Now, I seriously need to sign off. We’re supposed to move Saturday and I’m only freaking out slightly (it is only Tuesday after all). Jon is in the kitchen wrapping dishes and quiet honestly I am a little overwhelmed at all that’s on our plate right now, which is the real reason behind my little sabbatical. Moving this weekend, closing next week and then heading to Seattle and the San Juan Islands the next week (wow am I’m looking forward to that!!) is a lot for this mellow girl. So, when things settle down a bit for us, I’ll be back hopefully a little more regularly.

2002-09-05T22:07:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems I am the only one left to post about the recent get together with Corrie, Annamarie and myself, so I guess I'll get right on that! First, I felt terrible that my directions for Laura weren't clearer. The fact that I left her number(which I'd wrtitten on my daily calendar) sitting on our kitchen counter makes me feel like a total ass. Laura said she felt embarassed, why ever for!? I'm the ding-dong that dropped the ball. {stops to offer Laura a thousand more apologies}

On the way to Hickory I stopped in Licolonton to get gas(yes this *is* pertenient to my story). As I was filling up the tank I heard the trailings of a conversation that caught my attention and looked up to see a young woman driving by in a red car. Corrie's picture was somewhere in cyber land and I was pretty certain the person that had just driven by was her. A look at the Ohio tags pretty much confirmed it for me(that and the three girls in the back seat). So, as I was leaving the gas station I drove over to her car and probably scared the crap out of her when I asked if she was Corrie(that or she was searching her memory for who I might be, don't you hate when that happens!). We had a laugh over it and I was on my way.

We had a really good time seeing Annamarie, Megan and Dawson again. Her kiddos are so cute and Matthew enjoyed climbing around their car when he was bored with ours (sorry again about those 2 sticks of gum he took a bit out of!). Corrie and her girls were also great fun to meet. Corrie was in much happier spirits than I'd be after a 2 week trip sans dh(was that b/c she was *finally* headed home?) Her girls were also cuties and were very polite. Although, I was suddenly bummed again about my missed attempt at the Ohio gathering. I'm sure it was a blast! Our time was pretty short, but it was fun to put the name and face together.

Well, the row with dh just got bigger, so I'm off for the night and I'm not putting this into Word to spell check...just overlook the glaring ones!

2002-09-05T21:40:00.000-04:00

100 Little Things About Meeeee…

1. I’m 27
2. My birthday is January 1st
3. Actually, that’s a pretty shitty time for a birthday…nobody remembers it b/c they’re hanging w/ their families(or in my younger days were hung over)
4. I’m about 5’7 and a half
5. According to the scale in our bedroom, I weigh around 130 lbs.
6. The fancy, really accurate looking scale at Restoration Hardware last week said I weighed 140 lbs…
7. I’m sticking with what I know.
8. One regret I have is not hiking the AT after college.
9. We went to Alaska on our honeymoon.
10. Yes, it was a very cool trip.
11. My family of origin and my mother’s family of origin are very dysfunctional.
12. I haven’t seen my father since I was two, when my parents got divorced.
13. The last time I spoke with him I was in fourth grade.
14. I’d like to get in touch with him.
15. Shit, these were a lot easier to come up with when I was nursing Matthew to sleep.
16. I’m not sure I’m so interesting that I have 100 things to say about myself.
17. I think libraries are the greatest places.
18. I have one brother.
19. After watching The Parent Trap when I was 9 years old, I was pretty sure I had twin out there.
20. My mother assured me I didn’t.
21. When my mom would really make mad as a child, I was sure I had to be adopted.
22. If you saw my mother, you’d know there’s no way I was.
23. I was born in California.
24. I also lived in Michigan.
25. My formative years were spent in a snobby little ‘burb of Columbus.
26. I don’t miss Ohio one bit.
27. I long to live near the mountains.
28. We’ll probably end up somewhere around Asheville.
29. I have a hard time making female friends.
30. I think it’s because I had a poor model.
31. Sometimes I wonder if I do enough as a mother.
32. Reading is a passion of mine.
33. Once we get settled I am hoping to finally take a yoga class.
34. I want another child
35. But we’ve decided to wait another year before trying for that child.
36. When I see old pictures of myself, I think “What a cutie.’
37. Now I think, “Ug, do I really look like tthat?”
38. It’s mostly b/c of my eczema that I think I’m unattractive.
39. I was born with crossed eyes.
40. I’ve had 9 of the 12 muscles in my eye lengthened or shortened (so says mom).
41. Those surgeries were done before I was a year old.
42. One of my students used to call me crock-eyed.
43. When people talk to me from a distance they inevitably end up looking around to figure out who I’m talking to.
44. It’s usually them, but with the wandering eye, one can never be certain.
45. I taught Special Education for 3 years.
46. Despite the fact that I’ve actually been amidst the crappiness of the public schools, I miss teaching.
47. That really is a gift of mine.
48. Although I’m not sure how I’ll fare in a HS’ing setting.
49. I take that back, I’ll do really well I think.
50. Can I really only be half way through this list!?
51. It only took me 20 minutes to put Matthew to bed tonight.
52. I love night’s like that!
53. I really love music, but I’m totally illiterate when it comes to it.
54. I didn’t know who Led Zeplen was until 11th grade.
55. Stop laughing, I’m serious!
56. My friends used to tease me about my huge music deficiency.
57. I have terrible spelling and grammar.
58. The highest math I’ve ever taken was Algebra II.
59. In HS, I was failing all three of the math courses I took at some point in their given year.
60. My mother was a math teacher.
61. I didn’t do so well in Chem either.
62. I didn’t realize I was intelligent until I went to college.
63. You should’ve seen that sentence before spell check completely highlighted it…hehe.
64. I think just about every sentence has had at least one spelling error.
65. But that has more to do with my sleepiness, than intellect.
66. A goal of mine in college was to get my PhD.
67. I think wanted to prove I could do it.
68. I’ve taken one post-graduate class.
69. Don’t think the PhD thing is going to happen.
70. I’m totally addicted to sweets.
71. No, seriously, I think I need to compose a YAAPS post for some help.
72. My dh knows me very well.
73. We’re like puzzle pieces…we fit together perfectly.
74. We had a little rife tonight.
75. I need to go make up with him, even though I think he owes me an apology.
76. It’s totally hormonal, this happens every month.
77. There are a lot of things I want to do with my life.
78. I fear I look back and realize I’ve had no impact and could’ve done a lot more.
79. I have this totally unnatural fear of calling people and asking for information.
80. This phobia has gotten a lot better the last few years, but it keeps me from attempting some of the above-mentioned greatness I’d like to do.
81. I’m way to hard on myself.
82. I’m a little resentful that Jon has to be part of the ‘machine’ for us to live responsibly.
83. There is a load of whites in the dryer that needs to be folded.
84. I’m worried our house sale won’t go through.
85. I’m still on the fence about the whole vaccination debate.
86. People compliment me on my fingernails.
87. My hair is the longest it’s ever been as an adult.
88. In 2nd grade my mom took me to the hair dresser and had her cut off my waist long hair to my ears.
89. I was really devastated that she did that to me
90. And mortified when my 2nd grade teachers made me come to the front of the class to show off me new do.
91. I’ve shaved my legs once this summer.
92. I’m really just a lazy woman when it comes to shaving.
93. My passive-aggressive tendencies are most apparent when interacting with my mother.
94. I finally feel like I am becoming my own woman after 27 years.
95. Some of the decisions I make are based more on societal norms or customs than my actual desires.
96. I’m trying to be aware of this and change this pattern.
97. I am sometimes resentful of Matthew’s needs
98. But he has been the source of a tremendous amount of personal growth.
99. He’s a better teacher than I could ever dream to be.
100. Already, I have so much more to say…

2002-08-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

Borrowed from Sarah (sorry i've no idea how to actually highlight her name and link to her site)
stuff I keep on my nightstand
lamp, alarm clock for jon, several books(currently-Voyager, Real Boys, The Solstice Evergreen, The New Read-Aloud Handbook, Quick As A Cricket, When the Root Children Wake Up and a couple of other Matthew books), my glasses and my journal

CDs that are in easy reach at all times (lately)
Anything Dave Matthews (currently the newest one)
Any Alanis
Paul Simon's Graceland

stuff that I have in my handbag
wallet, cell phine, some Matthew odds and ends, set of safety pins, cloth diaper and a calculator

one thing i'm grateful for today
Our house being officially under contract

Favorite high school memory
My first boyfriend (Jim) taking me to his school parking lot and asking me to dance to Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' after a lame homecoming dance. It was very sweet and romantic dancing in the middle of this hige empty parking lot...very Hollywood.

Favorite quote

My first heartbreak happened when I was...
16 see above mentioned boyfriend...probably b/c he was the first guy I kissed and he was a very sweet gu.

School picture buried in my bottom drawer
Oh gods none I hope!

Weird preferences
Must have the car doors locked when I or dh is driving (I'm not quite as much a freak about this in friend's cars, but then I don't ride with them often), I hate waking up to a sink with dirty dishes left from the day before, I don't like to stop reading in the middle of a chapter, I prefer to end on a new chapter and I rarely answer the phone(although this is changing with all the house stuff). Oh and I don't answer the door when Jon's not home.

One thing I'll never understand about the opposite sex
20 minutes to youself in the bathroom, I mean really!

TV character I'd most want to be (you are aware that it *is* tv, right?)
Well, seeing that our tv has been unplugged and stashed in the attic for over a year, I can't even tell you what's on tv, let alone someone I'd like to be.

Weird sleeping habits
Closet door *must* be closed, at least some part of my body must be covered with a sheet or other covering(even if it's really hot), much to my dh's amusement, nothing(aside from already mentioned covering) can be on top of my feet (clothes or the extra pillow), the room needs to be dark(even small filtered light annoys me) and I can't wear socks to bed.

Summer plans
Enjoy being outside as much as the heat and mosquitos allow

Favorite song right now
Big Eyed Fish by DMB

Dream house
An enviornmentally friendly house that utilizes passive solar energy, a gray water system and readily available materials on a couple of acres.

Typical sleepwear
PJ bottoms and a t-shirt or a nightie

What's in my wallet, and how much money
driver's liscense, library card, AAA card, Harris Teeter VIC card, Talley's Green Card, debit card, credit card, chekbook, random scrapes of paper that held some meaning at one point and I don't usually carry cash, but i have about $.75 in change

Favorite pair of shoes
I practice foot freedom as much as possible

First five things I'd splurge on if I was a billionaire
1. Pay off all our debt
2. Buy some land
3. Build our house
4. Invest
5. Volvo wagon, unless I found the gas mileage was worse than my Subbie

Daily bedtime ritual
Brush my teeth, read and/or journal and nurse Matthew (again) since he usually wakes up when I get into bed

Weirdest/funniest nickname anyone has ever called me
Well, it's not very weird or funny, but my mom used to call me Julie Bug and my cousins shortened it to Bug.

Magazines I read on a regular basis
Vegeterian Times
Time
Mothering if I stop by the bookstore that month
This Old House for the Bargain House on the very last page
Country Living for the Real Estate Sampler

Eight movies I'd watch over and over
1. Fight Club
2. Anne of Green Gables
3. Dogma (or just about any other Kevin Smith movie)
4. Sixteen Candles
5. The Matrix
6. The Pistol
My brain is too tired to think, so i'll have to come back to this one...

Five albums that matter
Really, I'm not the person to ask about music. There's a funny story about Eric Clapton that illustrates my point, but it's getting late so I'll save it for another day.

Five things I do everyday
1. Nurse M
2. Snuggle and smooch Matthew, dance, run around the house, sing and read him lots of books
3. Smooch on Jon
4. drink water (usually lots of it)
5. brush my teeth

About 5 years ago I...
Just starting student teaching and my final semester of college

About 2 years ago I...
5.5 months pregnant w/ Matthew and had just started my last couple of months teaching

About 1 year ago I...
Marveling at Matthew's new found independence as he crawled everywhere.

Yesterday I (along with J and M)...
Went to the bagel shop near SouthPark, played at the bookstore for a while, stopped by J's office and read.

Today I...
Did 2 loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, met a friend for luch, visited with a couple of neighbors, played outside, ran by the library, made chocolate muffins w/ M and signed the contract for our house

Tomorrow I will...
Fold above mentioned loads of laundry (I hope!!), wash diaper load and sheets, drop off checks to apartment and look at our apartement, drop of library books and for sale items to Kim

Five items I have brand loyalty to (not that I can always have them!)
Annie's Goddess dressing(is there even a substitue??), Tom's of Maine Spearmint Toothpaste, Lands' End clothing, Annie's Mac and Cheese and I can't think of another

Five snacks I enjoy
Chocolate anything
Ice cream (soy and otherwise)
Fruit
Tortilla Chips
Cut up veggies

Five games I like
Connect Four
Scrabble
Trivia Pursuit(even if i suck)
Gin, Spades

Things I can't live without
J and M, books, NPR and my library card

Five things I'd buy with one thousand dollars
1. These very comfy looking Mary Jane's in the new Hannah Anderson catelog(how did I get on that mailing list anywhay!?)
2. Some BearFeet shoes for M, but i think we'll get those anyway
3. Books, always books
4. A masage
5. A wooden truck from Rosie Hippo's for M (or some organic cotton sheets in a high thread count)

My top five guilty pleasures
1. reading lots
2. Dairy Queen (oh the evil!)
3. Something from the coffe shop in the bookstore and an hour to myself to browse the books
4. art supplies for M and books for him
5. naps with M

2002-08-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

*Note to self* Must grow thicker skin.

2002-08-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Some random musings...

Silent Bob
Corrie's vote to name her new kitten a week or so ago, reminded me of one of our dear departed pets, Silent Bob. Silent Bob was a "gift" from one of the families I babysat for in college. I use the word gift loosely, what he really was was a late night pawn off by a desparete mother. Pandorah, yes that's her real name, had gotten two Beta fish. One, Bat Fish, for her son, who at the time was enthralled with Bat Man. And the other, well I don't know his name before he came to live with me, was her step-daughter's. She quickly became disenchanted with Silent Bob, can't imagine why and Pandorah was desparete to relieve herself of the dual burden, hence he came to my new apartment as a my new roommate.

Silent Bob was great as roommates go. Little clean-up and maintenance required. Quiet, calming and he took up only a small amount of space. I had him for over a year, but not long after we moved into our current home and Jon took over the responsibility of changing Bob's water, he died. We still talk about Silent Bob from time to time, but mostly because we loved his name.

Movin' On Up
Ok, not really. Buying a home is a tremendous amount of fun, selling one sucks. Being at the mercy and whim of other's is not exactly my idea of fun. The house has actually been shown more than we thought it would in the last 3 weeks, but getting those middle of the afternoon phone calls or worse the last minute, we have someone coming by in thirty minutes, call is maddening! The people that came by tonight were here for a long time, so long that we went to the park to have a picnic dinner and play with the geese, head home because we're out of the window(that would be the "The house will be shown between 6 and 7" window) and then hang out at our neighbor's for thirty minutes before they left. It's maddening because who knows if we'll hear from these people again...oh the agony and anticipation!

Gotta light?
I was struck with an odd thought today as we walked by our neighbor's '88 Celebrity. Those rear passenger ashtrays, smack dab in the middle of the back front passenger seats, surrounded by fine plush, gold velvet got me thinking. Who thought it was a good idea to locate small devices used for the holding and extinguishing of a burning, smoking bit of paper and tobacco right behind the other passenger's seat? You've come a long way baby...

And we're off
Well, we will be in about a month and a half. We've decided to take a little family vacation. We're heading out to the Seattle area for 10 days at the beginning of October. We're planning on spending a couple of days in the Seattle and then we're heading to Lopez Island, one of the San Juan Islands, for a week. Currently I'm only midly freaking about the prospect of flying across the country with a 22 month old,not too worry the level of freaking will no doubt increase ten fold as the time draws nearer. Other than that, I can not wait!

2002-08-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

You are 39% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

2002-08-15T11:09:00.000-04:00

I realized that was a rather strange entry last night. I wrote after reading all of that confusing who's who at YAAPS stuff. This has always been the hardest thing for me about the internet medium. There is a degree of faith and trust required by the parties interacting. That trust and faith are given often with very little to go on. The fact of the matter is, you can be whoever you want behind the keyboard and I find that very frustrating. It's easy to project our 'best self' or come across closer to our ideal even if that's not the real you. What I find so frustrating is that the person I am on the internet is the person I am IRL. I may not let every part of myself shine, depending on the situation, but I don't pretend to be anything more than I am. I feel saddened and disappointed in myself when I give someone my trust only to find out it may have been misplaced. Oh this is totally incoherent, so I guess I'll just stop there.

On to other news...
Our house has been shown a couple of times, but nothing has come out of it. We are just happy it's been shown in the last two weeks. Deciding to put our house on the market was an exciting, but maddening decision all at the same time. I just want to be finished with the house already(I know, must work on my patience) and keeping it clean and ready for visitors at the drop of a hat is tough.

We pulled up the zuke and cucumber plants last week. They were pretty finished with the drought conditions and I think they had been overrun with unfriendly little critters, so out they came. The great thing is, Matthew has a wonderful digging box now!:) He spent 25 minutes this morning with his shusul (shovel) just playing with the dirt. I got some sorely neglected yard clean-up completed. Learning about gravity with a high raised deck is just too much fun for a 20 month old, so I gathered up all of the toys that had been part of the experimenting for another round.

Well, it off to do some coloring. Matthew is trying to use the walls for his canvas, so I think we're off to find an appropriate method of expression!

2002-08-14T21:04:00.000-04:00

Hey, maybe it's a multiple personality thing or something?! I'm making my dh angry b/c he's ready to watch a movie, so I'll just sign off for now.

2002-08-07T09:08:00.000-04:00

Why is it when I see the mountains my heart begins to quicken and I feel like I'm coming home? Having never lived in the mountains this phenomenon is somewhat of a puzzle to me and yet, I feel like the answer lies within me waiting to be discovered.

We took an impromptu trip to the Asheville area Saturday night. It was wonderful, amazing and rejuvinating-just what our family needed. We enjoyed the amazing Asheville fare, where getting something vegeterian is actually a meal and not some thrown together side dishes that happen to be free of meat. Sunday found us travelling on the Blue Ridge Parkway and stopping at a waterfall to enjoy a day hike and fresh blueberries along the way. And of course we splashed in the pools of water. We arrived home tired, but fulfilled. Oh, and Jon had to go into work late Sunday night...back to reality, but having a glimpse at what is possible willcontinue to motivate us until we are living as close to our dreams as possible.

Gotta run, have a meeting I'm going to be late for if we don't get this shw on the road! Excuse the misspellings, no time to spell check.

2002-07-31T20:53:00.000-04:00

Look Who's Talking
M and I went into Charlotte today to play with some friends. On our way home my cell phone started ringing. Jon is the only one who has the number, but I knew it wasn't him as I had talked to him just a few minutes earlier. I checked the caller ID and didn’t recognize the number, but picked it up anyway.
“Julie, this is Brenda. Another realtor wants to show the house this afternoon and I wanted to let you know.” Oh yeah, I gave the realtor my cell just in case I couldn’t be reached at home.

Ahhhhh, we just put the house on the market yesterday! We don’t even have the sign in the front yard yet. I dashed home and had a couple of hours to clean before the estimated time of arrival. I cleaned my butt off! There was a ton of stuff to do, but the house looks so beautiful and shiny. Now, the real question is how are we ever going to keep it clean!?

Selling a house is a royal pain. We’re waiting to hear from our insurance company regarding a claim we submitted for storm damage on the roof. This would be damage we just found out about from the roofer who finally came last week. Said claim is why the for sale sign hasn’t been staked in the yard yet. Jon’s pretty sure claims adjusters are the only people paid to have poor customer service. Hopefully the house will be sold by next summer (and yes around here it may really take that long). {sigh} I can’t think that far ahead…

All else is well around here. The heat has been awful. If I don’t get Matthew out in the morning to play, we have to wait until late in the day because it is just too hot. It’s getting really cute around here lately. M is starting to really talk. Sometimes it’s Matthew speak, but we’re hearing more and more identifiable words. He’s added shovel, taayou(thank you),mamama(which now has definite meaning attached to it), Lillie and too many others to remember, to his lexicon. It’s really amazing to watch this blossoming little person change almost daily.

2002-07-24T14:36:00.000-04:00

Just a quick entry while M is sleeping. I really need to continue working on the kitchen, but I think a little break in order.

Pet peeve for the week-What the hell is so hard about getting back to me and letting me know if you can do the job or not?? Arrg!!! We’re trying to get the house ready to put on the market and the two major things that are going to hold us up are the damn contractors who REFUSE to get back to me! I’ve been waiting for 2 roofing guys to call me back and schedule a time. We only need one, but we’re getting to the point that who ever can get it done the fastest will have the job. Seriously, don’t tell me you want the job and will be happy to do it, if you DON’T. This is really frustrating me and I’m easting way too much emotional energy on it, so now I’m finished with it. Well almost, same thing with the a/c guy. Although, I know with him he’s one guy who does this stuff on the side and I talked to his wife last night. She said he’d definitely call today, so I’m sure he will. It’s just very frustrating trying to get anything done.

/rant

The kitchen is moving toward sparkling. Wow, what a pain to get all this ready! I also started clearing stuff out of our attic, which I always thought was just really cluttered, but I’m realizing a lot of it is just trash. We may actually get this place on the market after all, now if we could just sell it!

Well, better get back to work…

2002-07-20T16:40:00.000-04:00

Black or white? Why is thinking in shades of gray difficult for so many? I know I’ve certainly been guilty of all or nothing thinking and it’s something I work on daily. Making a concerted effort to be open to the various doors that open along my journey: a passing acquaintance or long time friend, an article read, a tidbit on NPR—just about anything the challenges and stretches my thinking and helps me identify myself further. Not so long ago, those challenges and stretches stressed me. They threw me for a loop because they were so foreign from my own way. I felt threatened, scared and insecure with the inevitable differences I encountered. How could someone have peace and harmony when their way was so different?

These last few months I have worked hard at developing female relationships. This is not something I excel in. I did not have the benefit of a healthy model and so I’m slowly learning by trial and error. One of the greatest gifts I’ve been given is connecting with womyn who share similar parenting ideas. They value their children and see them as the precious gifts they are. And yet, in this circle there are so many shades of gray. Varying ‘degrees’ of SAHMomminess.

One just completed her dissertation and now has her PhD. She has an incredible network of support, including her in-laws who drive every week from VA to stay and visit with them for a night or two. Her sister has been living with their family since spring. While she’s been at home during much of the process, her pursuit of this intensely personal goal has taken some time from her 3-year-old son. But I would say her son has been given a tremendous gift. He has a close, loving relationship with his extended family, he’s seen his mother pursuing a important personal goal and he’s been loved and cherished through the whole process.

I guess my point is that it’s up to each of us to find our own way, to be open to the world and its gifts. If I allowed my absolute, all or nothing thinking to prevail, there are so many gifts I would miss.

One other thought I had regarding the idea that womyn are missing that historical ‘circle of womyn’. I think this is an important and driving force in the whole ‘net communities. Womyn, especially those making choices outside the mainstream are so alienated and in some cases ostracized that they go seeking the vital missing connection via the Internet. Just having the knowledge of simple things like herbal remedies and birthing support. That is so lost in this detached and fractioned society, that we go seeking that wisdom in an artificial environment. I’ve realized making those connections (and I’m referring to deep, meaningful connections) via the Internet is so difficult or maybe I’m just not successful at it!

2002-07-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

Blogger seriously sucks sometimes!

2002-07-19T17:11:00.000-04:00

2002-07-19T17:09:00.000-04:00

Summer

There is a chair, next to a window, in our living room. When I sit in that chair at just the right time, that moment when the day is winding down, but the night is not yet ready to begin, I feel like I can see summer. How the still intense, but dwindling sun starts slipping away and the air hangs there. It’s as if I’m granted a special sight for that moment that allows me to see the world intimately. When it’s cold and summer is a far away thought, that memory is always the one I call on. Then each summer I have moments like the one described above and I think to myself, “Ahh, I just saw summer.”

I can’t remember if I’ve always been able to see summer from that chair, but that makes it all the more special. It’s like I’m discovering it for the first time each year. But before long that chair will move and I’ll have to find summer somewhere else.

We’ve had a couple of realtors come out to the house. It seems strange and scary that we might actually sell this house! We’re moving toward our dream which is exciting, exhilarating and terribly frightening all at once. The current plan (and it’s us, so it’s always subject to change) is to move to a Townhouse or apartment as a temporary stepping stone. We are hoping Jon will be working from home by the end of the year, which will allow us to be anywhere our hearts desire. We need a TH or 3-bedroom place b/c if Jon is working from home, he’ll need a dedicated office space. That means we’ll be in a place bigger than we need and pay more than we want, but living costs are expensive in this area and there aren’t a lot of options-the joy of living in a ‘new’ city.

We’re very torn what to do about our dog. She needs a place to run and while she is wonderful with M, she doesn’t like him. We’ve worked very hard on gentle touch and loving her, but she has very negative associations with him I think. We’ve tried giving her a safe spot away from his reach, but she wants to be right with us or sitting in my summer chair. We’d love to find a good, loving home where she will be adored because we aren’t giving her what she needs and our new living arrangements certainly won’t, but it’s making me feel like a terrible person.

Oh, there is so much more I have to say, but I’ve reached M’s limit and it’s getting close to dinner time, so I’ll sign off for now.

2002-06-19T23:06:00.000-04:00

If it’s possible, I think Ben and Jerry’s has ruined ice cream for me. Ok, not really ruined, because I still eat ice cream, but they’ve definitely had an impact on my ice cream consumption.

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money, so when we had ice cream, which was not very often, we just had the nothing fancy variety. My grandmother was a sweet connoisseur, so she would often have the pricier stuff-like Breyer’s (which to my young self was like the epitome of high living). Now, since my young palate was not accustomed to such creamy, delicious treats complete with small candy pieces this was quite a special treat. I reveled in finding the little candy slivers every 8th bite or so. It was so decadent.

Fast forward ten years when my now husband and I discover Ben and Jerry’s at the C-Store on campus. The C-Store is heaven for a college student. Depending on your meal plan you have a certain amount of money on your student ID card that is basically cash at one of these campus stores. That with my discovery of Ben and Jerry’s and thus opened a whole new world for my ice cream deprived soul.

So, tonight I decide to pick up some Breyer’s at the store. It’s on sale, buy one get one free and dammit our air conditioning is broken (AGAIN!!! never mind that we had it worked on less than a week ago) and I rationalize that in this heat I deserve a cool treat or two.

One of the pints I picked up was in from their candy bar line-the Heath bar flavor. As I ate my small bowl, I realized how accustomed I’ve become to the hunk-o-candy in every bite a la B & J’s style and I actually feel disappointed with my Breyer’s! So, I pull the carton back out from the freezer and actually mine (that’s what we call searching for the good pieces around here) through the ice cream, like it all must be a joke and surely somewhere in this pint of ice cream there is a stash of nugget candy pieces hiding from me.

Well, I think we know where this is going, there were no monstrous candy pieces waiting for my spoon to save them form certain freezer burn peril. No, it was just ice cream with a couple of candy bar slivers every 8th bite or so, much like I remember.

2002-05-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm a fucking fool. Yeah, the internet really is an untrustworthy medium. And so, I come back to the same problem...who the fuck *is* the person in the other end of this thing? God, I feel like a total idiot.

2002-05-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

We’re having some unseasonably cool weather around here and I’m loving it! Our a/c is broken, so the cooler temps are a welcome relief to our usual heat and humidity.

The garden is thriving. Yesterday I picked quite a lot of spinach, enough for dinner last night, tonight and maybe a little for lunch today. Next year I’m going to do some succession planting so we’ll get a staggered crop. We’re finally seeing some tomatoes, lots of cukes and a few zucchini. Very exciting for our little plot! Jon is really enjoying the garden, as well.

I’ve been reading a fabulous book titled Choosing Simplicity. I’m finding it very thought provoking and it’s helping me re-examine/re-define some of my priorities and goals. I’ve also been reading Sarah Susanka’s Not So Big House and Creating the Not So Big House, although our ideas of not so big are quite different, I am getting a lot of ideas and doing some thinking about our future abodes.

We had a wonderful time with Ann Marie and her kiddos Friday. Megan is like a little sprite. She was running all over the play ground and was quite free. It was fun to see her delight in the day. Dawson is such a cutie. I got lots of sweet baby smiles and got to snuggle him. He was quite happy to check out the happenings of the world around him. I enjoyed gabbing with Ann Marie, although I must apologize AM, I was so tired Friday (and sore from Thursday’s outing). I realized when we got home I was pretty spacey and not very chatty. Matthew and I will definitely be looking forward to another visit with them.

Not too much else is happening around here. I’m actually going to turn off the computer for a few days. The constant hum is quite annoying when I want to do yoga and really I just want it off. I’ll be back {said in her best Arnold voice}, but I need some quiet, reflective time to clear my head and I’ll be more productive with this off. :)

2002-05-16T21:51:00.000-04:00

These Are The Days To Remember…

If I could capture my idea of childhood in a snapshot, I think I would’ve taken the picture today. We had an amazing day. We went to a nearby farm picked strawberries, took a hayride, fed the animals and climbed on the hay. Then we headed over to a nearby park for a picnic lunch. The park was beautiful with fun play equipment that the older children enjoyed, but the best part was the mill. There was this historic mill that sat on this small creek. We all took off our shoes and waded down the creek. The kids loved it, as did the adults. It was such a neat little creek made for exploring. After the park we headed to this awesome little ice cream shoppe and enjoyed a cone.

I’m totally not doing the day any justice, but honestly I’m beat. Matthew did not nap the whole day, so he has seriously crashed. He was such a trooper and I’m still a little amazed that he remained in cheerful spirits with his lack of sleep. Maybe I’ll write a better version of our day in my writing journal, but I’m ready for a shower and bed. It’s been a big week and we’re meeting Ann Marie and her kiddos tomorrow, so I need to rest up. We’re looking forward to it, AM!

2002-05-14T21:37:00.000-04:00

Would You Say You’re Feeling Low and So A Good Idea Would Be To Get It Off Your Mind…

Perhaps it was the combination of a sick dh, clingy baby and a sleepy mama that put me in such a funk yesterday, but today I was feeling much better. An added bonus to my mostly happy day, was running to Michael’s to pick up some sea glass, then driving home with Alanis blasting through my speakers and me singing at the top of my lungs. That always feels so good. And really it was nice to just vent yesterday and not feel guilty for my funk.

Jon has been home the last two days because he hasn’t been feeling well. This happened last spring, as well. I’m hoping this doesn’t develop into a pattern. Although he was home to rest, I think he managed to work harder here than he ever does at the office. Kind of a mixed blessing. When he gets sick, I get cross, so I’m glad he’s on the mend. (Who knows why I get cross, it’s not like he’s a miserable person to be around when he’s sick)

I tracked down the very funky, rotten smell, although I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Apparently, the beans I pulled from the freezer last week didn’t keep so well in the fridge. Yuck! Our whole house smells like nasty, rotten beans. Jon kept saying he couldn’t smell anything funny, well he can now! I’m waiting for the candles Jon lit to do their work, but it’s taking a while. I am glad I finally figured out what it was, opening the fridge was getting to be a scary endeavor. Guess the seal is gone on my Rubbermaid containers. Yes, I know the FLYLady has a plan to keep such things from happening…

After my all day cleaning escapade yesterday, I’ve decided to do my big one hour cleaning on Sunday. Jon can take Matthew outside to run around or whatever and I can just run fly through the big cleaning. The rest of the week I’ll do more of the detail cleaning and the of course the day today maintenance.

Atlanta was fun, but exhausting. Richard has this big, beautiful house that is so NOT child friendly. Lots of beautiful art pieces and highly breakable accents. Within five minutes of our arrival, Matthew had his hand full of cacti needles. To add to the atmosphere, Richard is quite neat. I think he may boarder on obsessive compulsive. We spent lots of time outside and found a park to run in on Saturday. Traveling out of town threw Matthew’s sleep off a little, but really he was a trooper. I tend to be very sensitive to Matthew’s behaviors when we’re out, to the point that I am sometimes over critical, so I tried to keep that in mind. Mamaw had a wonderful time and I’m glad. The memories we’ve made traveling with her the past 5 years are priceless and I know being with us and a part of Matthew’s life brings her immense joy.

2002-05-13T16:47:00.000-04:00

These Are The Thoughts That Go Through My Head…

The problem I’ve always had with journals is that I tend to leave out the really negative thoughts that go through my head or the times when I’m feeling really down. In the journal I kept all through HS, you would certainly find your fair share of less than happy moments, but I tended to gloss over my true feelings. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of someone reading my entry, but more of how I would feel if I came across that entry years later. In a way there was this sense of guilt that I had. Who was I to complain about my life when there were people in the world who were really suffering?

I’m just having a shitty day and have all these thoughts swirling around in my head. Perhaps it’s time to just let myself get it out, without thought. I may or may not post this, I guess I’ll decide at the end.

When asked, “What do you want to be when you grow-up?” My answer was always “A teacher,” quickly followed by, “until I have children, then I want to be a mother.” Even in HS my big aspiration was to be a mother and take care of my family. And now, here I am getting the opportunity to live my dream and I feel so unhappy.

Some days I love motherhood, but so many days I feel so resentful of it. I hate that it takes me almost the entire day to do the basic house cleaning, it used to be done in an hour. Jon despises going to work, I feel envy that he gets out every day and has the chance to be a grown-up. I want a chance to explore my art, higher education, walk the AT, write a novel and so many other things, but I feel so limited by motherhood. Matthew’s such a baby and still needs me so much, so those things get pushed farther and farther from my grasp. I feel so sucked dry and wonder how I’ll ever pursue those dreams after years of mothering. I want time to be sick and space to nurture my self, but I’m a mother and just peeing by myself is a special treat, so how can I ask for anything more?

Then all at once, I feel this sweeping guilt and dread that I ever dare think such things. I have this amazing little person who looks to me to learn about the world and life. Who am I to teach him about life, when I feel such sadness about my own life? What’s the happy medium in motherhood? Where I am able to nurture my child and still have the opportunity to nurture myself.

When I’m hanging out with my mama friends, I see other mothers making it all work, seemingly so happy with their job as mother and here I feel so unglued some days. Is it just me? I just feel very unsatisfied at this point in my life.

My train of thought keeps wandering off track as I type this. Per my usual, in my head there was so much more, but as I sit in front of the computer to type it, it just isn’t there. Maybe it’s the interruptions of hugs, nursings, reading stories, giving smooches and all the other things I get to do as the mama. Anyway, I need to go start dinner…

2002-05-12T19:59:00.000-04:00

We’re back. I’m exhausted. Will write more tomorrow…

2002-05-10T08:39:00.000-04:00

Rollin, rollin, rollin...

We're headed down to Atlanta for the weekend. We're taking Jon's grandma (Mamaw) and going down to visit Jon's uncle, Mamaw'a baby boy. I'm a little nervous taking Matthew to his house, b/c it's full of many pretty, non-kid friendly things, but he has a nice yard, so we'll be outside most of the time. Anyway, he always cooks awesome food and makes it a wonderful visit, so I'm sure it will be great.

Everyone have a fabulous weekend! :)

2002-05-09T11:37:00.000-04:00

Rise and Shine…

The biggest parenting adjustment for me has been the erratic sleep patterns. Matthew is getting four teeth and doing a lot of experimenting with language, so sleep has been kind of kooky around here. Lately, I’ve found I’m either sleeping lighter or he’s nursing a lot more at night, because I’m actually remembering our night nursing in the mornings. Some days it seems he’s been latched on all night. I know some people have it a million times worse, but since it’s my blog, it’s my bitch. :) Anyway, sometimes his sleep is on and sometimes is off and right now we’re in an off time. I have a feeling a lot it is connected to the burgeoning language skills. I’ve noticed he’s ‘talking’ in his sleep almost nightly. Sometimes it’s just baby jabber, but sometimes he asks for na. It really is cute!

The best thing about this current sleeping pattern is that we’re up pretty early, like 6 or 6:15. So today, instead of bemoaning the fact that I was up, I went with it and got busy. I’m amazed at how much I’ve gotten accomplished and more importantly, how great I feel.

We got the sheets on the line and then spent an spent an hour and half outside. I worked in the garden a little (not much, since it’s a small garden!:P) , finally got the hostas planted, cleaned up the bed under the cherry blossom tree, pulled weeds and chased Matthew around quite a bit. It think it’ll probably be pretty humid today, so I wanted him to get some good outside time in before it became unbearable. We came in took a bath, snuggled on the couch for some reading and songs and I’ve started some house cleaning. Matthew is enjoying a nap right now, so I thought I steal a couple of minutes to write.

The last couple of evenings I’ve hit this major, crashing low point around 5. All of the sudden I’m completely exhausted and I feel terrible. I was doing some brainstorming, trying to figure out what it was. I think I found the culprit. I opened a bag of chocolate chips the other day and I’ve had a small handful of them sometime during the late afternoon the last two days. Hmm, think there’s a connection? I’m pretty sure that’s the cause, so today no chips for me!

2002-05-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

Everybody's happy…

Am I the only one who thinks it’s great fun to read about other’s toys? I don’t know why, but I love it! Here’s a list of what we have:

Wooden dino set from Rosie Hippo (Yule gift from cousins)
Odd assortment of stuffed animals (ram, bear, giraffe puppet, frog, small lobster, small dog, small frog and a black dog-all gifts)
Basket of silks, netting and some ribbons (silks-Yule gift and other stuff is just a collection of things he’s pulled from my craft stuff)
Basket of kitchen stuff (bread pan, old plastic coffee filter, coasters and a wooden spatula-all collected from our very own kitchen) and a big soup pot
Play stand (Jon made, he’ll make a matching one in the next couple of months)
Wooden nesting waves (gift from my mom)
Wooden stacking ring (“)
Old phone (Jon used to use it for testing office network)
Wooden platform w/ different size tubes to stack (IL’s holiday gift)
A couple of wooden puzzles (gifts)
Radio Flyer wagon (hand me down from friend)
Couple of assorted sized and textured balls
A flannel Baba doll I made (using Magic Cabin pattern)
Basket of shells (we have some really cool big ones Jon and I got in the Everglades on a sea kayaking trip in college) and some stones
Our big plastic concession was a set of reptiles and amphibians. It has realistic looking frogs, lizards and snakes.
We also have some plastic sand toys for the park (no biggie if they are lost or left)

That may look like a lot for such a little guy (and it probably is) but we have 7 pretty small sized baskets that all of that stuff fits in and I *love* the way it looks, very neat and EASY, EASY to pick up.

Some other things we have, but are put away:
Set of wooden blocks (bought on sale last holiday season)
Set of cardboard building “bricks” (b-day gift last year)

We have LOTS of books. We also have some games and lots of books for older kids from my teaching days, but they won’t get pulled out for a couple of years).

Now, here is the quick list of Matthew’s favorite toys: the broom, mop and Swiffer, any of Jon’s network things (M loves plugging and unplugging things), sticks and the metal serving rack that goes w/ our pizza stone (loves pushing that thing around the house!) Just reinforces my thought that at his age, the toys are more for the grown-ups than the kids. :)

Matthew has been given a TON more stuff (my family can go overboard in that area), but I've gotten pretty ruthless in what we keep. My theory is it should be visually pleasing and nurturing of M's developing creativity. For us, natural, wooden toys usually meet both of those criteria, hence our toy collection. I am hoping to get some Stockmar block crayons in the next couple of months, but right now we have very few art supplies. We're really waiting for Matthew to outgrow the eating anything soft phase (found a few bites of my art eraser in his mouth today! :( He's too quick!)

2002-05-07T19:48:00.000-04:00

Fixing a Hole Where the Rain Comes In…

Jenn/daynesmommy posted a question regarding depression the other day and I’ve read the original thread and responses with a great deal of interest. I can totally relate to her feelings and have myself been feeling that way for quite sometime. I keep meaning to call a family therapist or something, but honestly the thought scares the shit out of me. Calling people I don’t know is a huge thing for me and something I’ve NEVER liked to do. I have this totally irrational fear that I’ll be laughed at or feel stupid, so I never call.
Jon and I have discussed it on many occasions, but when push comes to shove, I just can’t go through with it. Another big stumbling block for me is my parenting choices. Going to therapy would be extremely stressful for me if I thought there was the slightest chance our parenting choices would be called in to question, so I save myself the trouble and don’t make the phone call.

Some days I’m feeling especially low and I’m sure I’m ready to call ANYBODY from the Yellow Page listings, but then a day or two later I feel ‘normal’ and figure it’s just my quirky ways. I totally identified with so much of that post and I think Jon would probably respond similar to Jenn’s dh. What surprised me most about the thread was the number of people who felt similar. After reading the responses I am asking myself if these feelings are typical of a SAHM and if it’s related to the isolation and lack of functional support system. {shrug} I don’t know.

My family has a history with depression. I have an aunt who suffered serious depression that was hormonally related. She took her life five years ago, shortly before her 40th birthday. Another one of my aunt’s suffered serious depression during menopause. And my other aunt has been hospitalized for manic depression several times. These are just my mother’s siblings, I have no clue about my father’s side! I think my mom also suffers from at least a mild form of depression, but she would never admit to that (that would be weakness). So, there is a definite family history.

There was just so much of that post I identified with. It was like I was reading about myself. Ya know, the original title I had for my blog was Free Therapy. I was hoping to work through some of the very things Jenn wrote about. It helps just knowing I'm not the only one.

2002-05-07T09:07:00.000-04:00

So Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want…

Growing up I heard a lot about money. My mother was a single mom with two children and an ex who sent the (very small) child support check infrequently. We never had enough and it was always a case of robbing Peter to pay Paul, according to my mother. Interestingly, we always had enough for my mom’s cigarettes and coffee. Go figure…

Anyway, we lived in a pretty affluent town and I remember always feeling deprived, like I was missing out b/c I didn’t have x,y or z. Having a lot of ‘things’ became very important to me and I felt like that was a reflection on me. Like the more I had the better I was. Silly child logic. So, from a young age I horded things. I always had a lot of clothes, kept any little trinkets I received and jut generally collected stuff (ya never know when you’re going to need it, right?) When I went to college I took an obscene amount of ‘stuff’ with me. It was like my security blanket.

My poor dh moved my stuff from apartment to apartment, sometimes twice in a 3 month span, all during college. Every time he moved me he’d ask, “Why do you keep all of this stuff? The only time I see most of it is when you move.” And he was right, but I couldn’t let go of that stuff. I was the perfect consumer. Bored, feeling down? Go shopping. Money in your pocket? Go shopping. Little tired of the things you have right now? Go shopping. And I really thought those hair and beauty products would make me feel more beautiful.

Soon after we were married I saw a program on voluntary simplicity and it just made sense. I read as much as I could find and while I wasn’t always successful in my endeavors, I made a choice to move my life more in line with my values. There is still so much decluttering that I need to do, although many people would think our house is rather sparten. I know the shift in my views has been puzzling to my mother and it’s not really understood.

Consumerism is still an issue I struggle with. When I’m feeling low, I revert to those thoughts that purchasing something will make me feel better and right my world. Shopping no longer holds the place it once did. I used to love it and take such pleasure in it, but now it represents something I hate about our culture. But it’s hard to remember that when you’re blinded by consumer lust!

We’ve drastically reduced our purchases, but we still have our weaknesses. For me it’s books. I *love* books and getting them is such a thrill. Now, any old book will not do. It’s usually nonfiction and something I can look at or use again and again. Justification? Perhaps, but true. Oh and children’s books are a special source of pleasure. Checking books out from the library is always my first choice, but often the ones I want are not library material, so I end up buying them. I always figure if the world as we know it comes to a screeching hault, at least I’ll have my books to keep me company. :)

I think consumerism can be a major stumbling block in our parenting. It is so pervasive in our culture and it’s hard to get away form the “I need/I want” mentality. We’re inundated with it and even the most conscientious parents fall prey to consumer lust.

There are so many more thoughts about money and parenting, but I’ll have to save them for another time, as I’ve already spent too much time on this entry!

2002-05-04T22:26:00.000-04:00

Zoom Zoom Zoom..

Driving to the bookstore today, I remembered that I love my car. After driving it for a couple of weeks it’s easy for it to slip into ‘taken for granted’ status, so I thought I should do an entry reminding me how much I love my new ride. {this will also serve as a key reference should my car slip out of grace w/ me}

After driving the 6er for the last couple of years and having never driven a vehicle of my own that was less than 8 years old, one tends to forget how a car is meant to ride. My ride is so smooth. It handles corners effortlessly, changes lanes as if it’s floating and laughs at bumps in the road (yes dear I try to avoid them). It could go a little lighter on the gas, but not having to crank the stereo to compete with the sound of the road weighs favorably in my mind. So, all in all we’re happy car owners.

With my fabo ride you may be wondering, what could make my driving experience even more enjoyable? The main inhibiting force to driving nirvana is all the other stupid ass drivers I am forced to encounter on my excursions.

Seriously, does shitty, rainy weather bring them out in droves or something? Do they think, “Hmm, let’s see what I’m really made of” and then head out? I have to ask myself, “Was the man in the Jeep as annoyed as I, at that stupid ass red balloon his wife kept waving around in the backseat?” Little distracting on wet roads people! Or how about that big ass Suburban that literally drove 10 miles an hour uphill? Hello, I know you’ve got more power than that-you have a trailer hitch for gods sake! But perhaps the most irratating was the little maroon car that pulled up to the two-way stop sign at the same time as me. With my left turn blinker on, I waited for him to head straight and continue on his merry way, but apparently this guy follows a different set of driving rules. We both sit there waiting for several seconds and then I pull into the intersection forgetting my driving manners and taking matters into my own hands. He sees this as a signal that he should go to, so I stop and then he follows suit. He looks at me and to his right(Yes, I'm turning sir) and then gives me this "Are you turning motion?" Yes, typically a left turn blinker would mean I'M TURNING!! Although, he never heard, I actually said that to him as I turned and did indeed make me fell a little better.

For me, driving bliss will be achieved when it’s just me and the open road.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies…

Well, shortly after I wrote my last blog entry, I came up with about a half a dozen questions that would’ve been perfect for a community discussion and I realized maybe I shouldn’t write myself out completely- just yet.

The thing is, I don’t think I’ve been completely honest with myself regarding my motives and BB’s. And so here it is…I wanted to make some friends. For a long time I just never felt like I fit, it was like I’d post and I kept expecting something more, but nothing ever came and I was just there. Why do I care if I make some friends over the computer? Is it like I somehow fail if I don’t make friends? Why do I feel like it’s a reflection on me?

Even when I’m not posting regularly at YAAPS, I’m lurking or checking in. Why do I do this? I’ve been giving this some thought and then I realize, it’s because as much as I tell myself I don’t care, I do. So maybe I don’t correspond with anybody regularly, they are a part of my life and I care about them and their families. It does matter to me when a new life is welcomed into the world or a baby takes his/her first steps. And then, the reality hits me, I am there, even if it’s just a little.

This is a totally morose entry, but it’s been on my mind and now I’ve let it go. Why am I full of such inner conflict sometimes? /ends drama and gets back to the finer things of life

2002-05-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

Any free time I’ve had this last week has been spent reading The Mists of Avalon. Does that explain where I’ve been? :) It was a fabulous and thought provoking book. I’m glad I finally got around to reading it. Working on The Broke Diaries now and am hoping to finish the last part of LOTR (finally!)

I’ve come to the realization that I suck at on-line communities. I’m just not good at keeping up with everything. When I first began posting on BB’s it was a fun after work thing I did while pregnant. After Matthew was born and I was home all day, I found myself on the computer a lot more. Is there an inherent loneliness or void that comes with being home? Is it that it gets boring nursing non-stop w/o interaction? What is it that draws us to a community and allows it to work its way into our life so strongly?

I guess it’s not that I really suck at communities, but rather they don’t suit my personality. I’ll go through periods of posting a lot and then it becomes too much, so I withdraw and move away from them. In a way it saddens me. It’s nice to vent if you’re having a hard day or need advice/perspective on a situation, but it’s too hard and draining for me. I’ve found it’s just not healthy for me to get sucked in and I really am happier and more in control of my life when I’ve stepped away. So, I’ll happily blog away when time allows (or a sleeping baby in this case!) and do the surf thing if I’m NAK to sleep, but that will probably be all for now.

After perusing Lady Sarah’s cleaning site(I still don’t know how to link directly to a page, otherwise I’d do that!), I checked out Martha Stewart’s organizing book. Oh, it’s so pretty and NEAT! Wow! All those glossy photos, showing organizing at it’s finest. Too bad much of it requires money(and a full time staff)-neither of which is going to happen around here, although, it may inspire some creative resourcing on my part. Maybe my closet will look (almost) as good as some of those shiny pictures…

2002-04-27T08:57:00.000-04:00

Jon has taken Matthew to get some bagels, which means they’ll be gone close to an hour. He left me with instructions to re-charge and take or Julie Ann. Must fight the temptation to go clean…ok not really, although I may go do the kitchen mopping.

We watched Zoolander the other night. I was a little worried b/c I’d read a couple of not so favorable comments about it. We must be total geeks b/c we really enjoyed it. I love Ben Stiller and the other main character (can’t remember his name right now, he was also in Meet the Parents w/ Stiller). We tend to like movies that poke fun at the world or have a sort of unspoken running commentary on today’s society, so we found it enjoyable.

I’ve asked Jon to pull the t.v. out of the attic. The Frontier House is on PBS next week and I really want to see it. History and homesteading are fascinating topics to me, so I’m curious to see the show. Speaking of history, I just read a wonderful novel entitled, One Thousand White Women. It is based on the actual historical event of the Cheyenne Native Americans coming to the US government and asking for 1000 white brides. In reality the request was laughed at and nothing came of it, but the author supposes it did happen and follows the events through the journals of a young woman named May Dodd. I read the book in less than twenty-four hours, so I’d say it was enjoyable! :-)

One of these days I’ll get dh’s help with my blog template and make the vision of my blog a reality, until then y’all are stuck with what you see. I’d like to add frequently visited blogs, as well as a place for current reads.

Right now, I’m re-reading Your Money or Your Life. Books on simplifying one’s life are very inspiring for me and I periodically read old favorites to keep me on track. Rather ironic in light of our MAJOR purchase this week, eh?

Many days I’m ready to chuck it all and head to the middle of nowhere. I look around and wonder is this what we work so hard for? Jon has a very strong sense of duty and would never just up and leave. He is the planning type and while we are actively working toward realizing our dream, it seems so very far away, if not an impossible goal to reach. Perhaps it’s just an idealist dream…

2002-04-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

In other related news, when I talked with my mom the other day I off handedly joked that Jon thinks I sabbotaged the car so I could get a new one. My mom said somethign to the effect, "No, I did. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you guys, I was really looking forward to it, but I am relieved that you didn't get together with those people. I was really worried about it." I told her I was very disappointed, had really been looking forward to meeting up wih everyone and that I would nveer put myself or Matthew in a situation that I felt was dangerous(so, KWK isn't really evil, right? :P) . She said she knew that, but she had had a headacke for two days(I guess from worrying). I told her she sounded like Grandma(who used to pull that shit all the time and Mom hated it). Mom didn't say anything else after that. Arg!

2002-04-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a station wagon. Noble aspirations, huh? As a child, I would look longingly at wagons, holding a special love for those that had rear hatches. The wagon, in my young mind, was the quintessential icon of family and that’s what I wanted.

Fast forward a few years to my early twenties. I was so close to owning my dream car, a Volvo 240 wagon, blue. It was in my grasp, but slipped a way when my dh, who was db at the time, didn’t act quick enough. At the time, I was student teaching. I remember going home that day with such excitement and anticipation, finally, my dream car! Arriving home, I scanned the parking lot searching for my new car, tricky db must’ve parked it elsewhere, I thought to myself. But then came the news, somebody else purchased it shortly after he test-drove it. It was somebody else’s now, I was so disappointed and db felt awful.

Well, I now have my long awaited station wagon. It’s not the Volvo I’d always dreamed of, but I love it all the same. So, how did the new station wagon make it’s way into our driveway, you ask. It all has to do with a trip up North to meet some of the womyn from YAAPS…

Matthew and I started the trip on Sunday. We planned on stopping at my brother’s in WV, our halfway point, for the night. As I drove and Matthew slept, I began my typical Blog style inner rambling and started composing. The entry had something to do with the freedom road trippin’ evokes, how I felt so strong and independent. Climbing some random hill along 77N in VA and shortly after I began composing my imaginary entry, I realized something was amiss with my little 91’ Mazda 626. A sinking sense of dread with a dash of fear grabbed me when I looked at the console and saw the check engine light had come on. Strong, independent womyn that I am, I remained calm and I started looking for an exit. That all flew out the window when I noticed the car was running past hot. It wasn’t even in the red anymore!

Not long after my discovery, I found an exit with a Citgo station. As I came to the bottom of the exit ramp and braked, my whole car seized up, I pooped it into gear and headed away from the station. Pulling some fancy Dukes of Hazard type driving out of nowhere, I managed to get the car safely off the road, at which point it promptly died and smoke began pouring out from under the hood and in through the vents. Matthew had woken up with all the excitement, started pointing and saying “Ha, Ha” (Matthew speak for hot) “Yes, baby, it’s hot.”

Gathering my well appointed diaper bag, that I packed specifically with the zoo in mind, my purse(which I later returned to the car sans my wallet, what was I thinking? Like I was actually going to be able to read?) and plopping Matthew in the sling, we trekked about a quarter of a mile uphill to the gas station.

What followed was three and a half hours of waiting for Jon to pick us up, complete with a few nasty convenience store snacks, a VERY busy toddler type and a quickly frazzled mama. In all honesty, Matthew did GREAT. He ran around the store and we climbed the hill next door to nurse and run around in the grass. It was a long three and half hours and it definitely tested my mama creativity, but we managed.

Jon got to the store around 5 and we headed to Hillsville, a town about 10 miles away. It turned out, I managed to detect the impending disaster very near the one exit for about 8 miles either way, so I’m thankful for that. We spent the night at a hotel and had the car towed to a Mazda dealership Monday AM. Jon wanted it taken to the dealership because we had $900 worth of work done Saturday in preparation for our trip(yes, Saturday, as in the day before we left and yes that was nine hundred dollars). He wanted the dealer to look at it in case it was in anyway related to the work that had just been done. Of course it wasn’t.

I had e-mailed KWK Sunday PM optimistically telling her if it was something minor we would possibly still make it. Well, it wasn’t so minor. I managed to blow the engine. I’m so talented. Apparently there was a leak in one of the hoses and water from the radiator slowly leaked out. Since I unknowingly continued to drive under these conditions, the engine basically blew up.

We didn’t have the dealership work up an estimate, but their low guess was around $2500, so it would’ve probably ended up being close to how much we paid for the car 5 years ago. So, after test driving a vehicle in Blacksburg, VA(we decided it was too much), we spent another night in Hillsville and came back early yesterday afternoon.

We had pretty much settled on the car we wanted, a Subaru Legacy Outback (it was between the Outback and a Camry), so we headed out to CarMax to test drive one we found. And the rest is history…

So, I guess you could say my childhood dreams have become reality. We’re now the proud owners of a blue 1997 Subaru Outback with a little less than 40K miles, complete with back hatch and we love it.

I’m still really bummed we didn’t make it up to the gathering. It sounds and looks like everyone had a blast. I’m hoping the rumors of a fall gathering come to fruition. Matthew and I are so there, wagon and all. :-)

2002-04-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, I’ve been spending LOTS of time organizing and cleaning these past few days, hence my MIA status. The whole house has been swept, Swiffered, bathroom and kitchen mopped and cleaned, four loads of laundry done, ceiling fans dusted, mirrors cleaned, all furniture dusted, vacuumed LR area rug and some other things, but I’m getting tired just thinking about it all. Actually, a lot of this is stuff I do every week, but now I’ve got a system and all those monthly jobs I tend to forget are really going to get finished every month. I’ve loved having everything so neat and tidy the past couple of days. I may actually manage to get organized this time.{gasp}

My shower looks beautiful and new. I love it. :) Although, no more spur of the moment projects like that! What were we thinking??

So, about the Ohio shindig, I’m half considering the trip. We could go visit my mom Wednesday and head home Thursday. There’s nothing on the calendar for next week(amazingly) and it would probably be a big old blast to meet some of these cool womyn. Totally crazy?

Oh and in typical NC fashion, it appears spring has bypassed us in favor of 86*, humid summer weather. I guess those couple of days of spring weather several weeks ago is all we’re going. Blech. I am NOT a fan of southern summers. The humidity totally pisses my skin off and tends to make me cranky. At least the people down here have the good sense to air condition everything, unlike my home town, Jon avoids visiting my mom most of the time, but more than usual in the summer b/c it’s too damn hot w/o AC. This southern boy can’t handle that!

Speaking of no AC, this upstairs room that houses our computer has none and it’s getting a little toasty for my taste, so I’m signing off for now.

2002-04-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

Oh and WTF is up with Blogger, why doesn't it remember me? I may not be Madame Fab, but I sure as hell am worth remembering!

2002-04-13T21:14:00.000-04:00

YIPPEE!!!! Jon is putting in half of a new shower as I type. :) I so love this man. The shower was re-done before we moved in, but it wasn’t done very well. The fake tile crap and the tub could probably be re-chalked every month it was that bad. I’d been asking Jon to re-chalk for a while and he finally had time to do it today. So, when Matthew and I got home from a birthday party, I was slightly peeved to find it only half cleaned, it was not even close to being done. Off handed I suggested we look for a new unit. Several minutes later Jon appears and says, “Do you wanna take a trip?” “Where?” I inquire. “Lowe’s”. God, how I love those words. :) So, off we went.

Now, because our house is 70+ years old it is filled with many wonderful architectural details and its fair share of quirks. One quirk happens to be the bathroom window that’s partially in the shower/tub. We’ve worked around it with a special shower curtain rod and now it’s just a part of life, but alas we could not just buy a new one piece unit and stick it in. The shower will be not actually be much different from it’s previous form, well, it doesn’t have all those tacky little cubbies and shit. I hate that stuff and it’s a pain in the ass to clean. It will however look much cleaner and actually be done RIGHT since Jon’s doing it. I so love being married to handy guy.

The most exciting part is the shiny, new hardware I picked out. It’s so nice! The cruddy, perpetually dirty plastic handles are on the way out. I’m going to be like that womyn that moans and groans when she washes her hair, except my bliss will come from my beautiful half-new shower.

Now, I can’t wait for the new sink and hardware I found….

We had one of my all time favorite meals last night. It’s so delicious I’m going to share it with you all, so you too can enjoy such tastiness.

Oh, it’s totally vegan (and easy!) and would make an awesome side if you wanted meat as your main dish.

Roasted Broccoli and Tomatoes
1 head of broccoli
4-5 Roma tomatoes (realy you can use whatever you have around, just adjust the recipe for bigger tomatoes)
2-3 garlic cloves minced
2 T. olive oil
Coarse salt
2 T. pine nuts
Endive or romaine lettuce or spinach leaves
Balsamic vinegar

Preheat oven to 425. Cut and seed tomatoes and toss with ½ T. of olive oil, set aside in small bowl. Cut stems off broccoli, cut florets into edible sized pieces and place on baking sheet, leaving room for tomatoes. Drizzle remaining olive oil over broccoli and cook 5 minutes. After 5 minutes add tomatoes, garlic and sprinkle with salt. Cook 15 minutes. We like ours a little crisp. As broccoli and tomatoes cook, gently heat pine nuts over medium heat until lightly browned. Arrange a bed of greens, add tomatoes and broccoli, garnish with pine nuts and add balsamic vinegar. We sever this with orzo on the side. Such a fabulous and amazing meal! Ahh, it’s such bliss for my palette when we eat this.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll share my cheap and totally easy 20 minute pizza crust. It’s not my favorite crust, but it’s awesome in a pinch and if it saves us from going out or making a take-out run, then it’s a keeper in my book. Seriously, it only needs like a 10 minute rest/rise time, so it really is like 20 minutes to make.

2002-04-13T06:52:00.000-04:00

I need to make a DR appt. I have a pebble sized hard lump in my left breast. It’s been there for a while and hurts a little when you press on it. I’m trying not to be alarmist over here, but I think for my own peace of mind I need to get it checked out.

All I have to say about urinating in public bathroom sinks is…YUCK! The thought that some random stranger’s piss could be lingering on the handles skives me out. I don’t necessarily assume public sinks are that clean, but I certainly don’t expect that they’ve been pissed in! And while I’m not the least bit grossed out by my child’s piss, I fully recognize some one else might not be so keen on a STRANGER’S piss hidden in some unsuspecting spot. I keep coming back to the thought, “What does that teach your child?” Seriously, if you are that skived out by public restrooms, STAY IN THE HOUSE!

On being judgmental…I think it’s an inevitable fact of life. On the very basic level from, an evolutionary standpoint, don’t you think being judgmental was necessary for survival? We needed to figure out what worked and what lead to certain demise. We need to evaluate and judge the actions of other’s as a means of understanding and reaffirming our own beliefs. Do I think some of the things I do are better than other’s? Well hell yes I do otherwise I wouldn’t be doing things my way. Take circumcision, for example, Matthew is intact. When I hear that people choose to cut their son, despite having all the facts, I make a judgment about them. It’s inevitable. We have amazing capabilities for thought and processing (well, some), the ability to do that makes judging other’s inevitable.

Now, one last little piece of food for thought. Where does communication stop and gossiping begin? Certainly the argument could be made that any discussion of another is really just gossip.

Oh and lest anyone think I’ve been slacking, I did manage to accomplish most of the things on that list below, I just didn’t know how to strikethrough them, but rest assured, dh got the HTML tag for me and I’m all over it.

2002-04-09T20:47:00.000-04:00

take free enneagram test

Yup, that's me. I also scored very close to 5(17 points, my 6 was 18 points) It's a work in progress.

2002-04-09T20:36:00.000-04:00

Matthew has apparently absorbed the recent bathing discussions (it’s all the NAK I do, the info I read exits via breast milk). Anyway, he’s so NOT interested in the bathtub. I did hold him when I took a shower the other day, but he was only tolerating it I think. So, now we’ll need to find some creative way to get the little guy clean, especially with all his outdoor explorations.

He’s been coming up behind us when we sit on the bed, laying his head down and hugging our back. I just love that and find so incredibly sweet.

The power was out at Jon’s office all day. It seems a dump truck, while dumping gravel for a new parking lot, forgot to put down his bed and took out a whole string of power lines. Jon, being the computer guy, had to stay until everything was restored and working. He’s still not home. :( He hates his job. I hate his job. It really sucks sometimes and unfortunately those times are becoming increasingly more often.

Lately, I’ve been giving thought to the art of composing a blog entry. How many of us compose throughout our day? I find many of my thoughts during the day being formulated in blog form, like this running narrative. I swear, in my head during those times it sounds almost poetic, but when the time comes to actually compose it’s like trying to grab air.

2002-04-08T20:24:00.000-04:00

test

2002-04-08T17:59:00.000-04:00

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

That seems about right. :)

We’ve had a full day around the house! I got quite a lot accomplished on my things to do list. I’m tempted to write it out here just so I can use the fun strike through feature and cross everything off, again! I love crossing things off the list. It is very motivating for me. :)

Matthew and I got the garden mostly planted. We still need to put in tomatoes, but I need to go to the Farmer’s Market to pick up the plants, so I’ll probably wait until the weekend. We did two raised beds this year, b/c Jon wants lots of tomatoes. We really don’t get the proper amount of sun required, but since we got a little for our efforts last year, we’ll do it again.

The problem I foresee with the double raised beds this year is the size, specifically the height. Last year(when it didn’t make any difference) the bed was pretty high off the ground. This year in an effort to save some money and really to just not be wasteful, we took the middle board of last year’s box, cut the post in half and voila! two cedar beds. Now, those with smallish toddler types have most likely figured out the problem…it is the perfect Matthew height and that dirt is so much fun to play with. I had to do lots of redirecting and really just picking him up and moving him to keep him from uncovering the seeds. We’ll see how this turns out.

I am going to start putting together a master weekly to do list, as well as monthly and bi-monthly lists. I’m still subbed to the FLYLady and that’s been a good jumping point for me, but I’m not utilizing the system as I should, so I’m going to work a plan for myself and see how that works. I’ve loved having the house really clean the last couple of weeks, not just my usual psydo-clean(that’s where it looks neat and tidy, but hasn’t been swept or dusted in too long).

I have to get Matthew some t-shirts ASAP. We only have 3 or 4 that currently fit, so I need at least 3-4 more. I think spring has arrived and plans on sticking around this time. :)

Week of 4/8
~Write:
Janeo
Katie
Uncle Jake(b-day next week)
Nicole
~Get Matthew t-shirts
~Clean baseboards
~Read at least 2 pamphlets for leader stuff
~Get tomato plants and put them in
~Plant hostas

Moments of the day:
Hanging the clothes on the line. This has to be one of my favorite things to do. Seeing the wind catch the sheets and billow them out is a simple pleasure of mine.

Laying on the grass with Matthew’s back on my chest and staring up at the sky…mesmerizing,

2002-04-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to publish my entries from yesterday...again. Then it's off to clean the bathroom. :)

2002-04-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

too many people using blogger, so the server is screwing up. UG!

2002-04-04T18:54:00.000-05:00

I am full of thoughts and opinions today, well everyday, but I’m actually able to sit down and type them out today. (sleeping Matthew on my lap)

Reading Dirt’s blog got me thinking about my life. All the stresses I feel are purely of my own creation. Many would look at my day to day life and think, how boring. We don’t go many places, other than outside. We read, sing and snuggle a lot with a little cleaning thrown in. As Matthew has gotten older and I’ve begun to allow my self to grow outside of what I was taught to believe and accept, I’ve felt a subtle change come over me.

The times I am the most stressed are when I find myself trying to fit someone else’s ideal of me. It’s these times I hear my ‘upbringing’ words whispered in my ear. “Babies should do this___, shouldn’t do that___, why are you ___?…” It’s what I call my defend yourself mentality, the tendency to slip into that pattern that I have to defend my choices or beliefs.

Now, I enjoy a good, thought provoking conversation and exchange of ideas, but not when I feel my acceptance or love I receive is based on what I say. That’s how I often feel w/ my mother, the unspoken judgment that comes or refusal to think outside a carefully protected box. Growing up under such constraints, I know I too do this at times and it is something I work on almost daily, hence the difficulty I posted about earlier.

Relaxing in my expectations of Matthew and myself has been an amazing gift I’ve given myself. It has helped me be gentler to all, but most importantly myself. I can feel that need to constantly defend my choices and beliefs diminishing. I no longer feel like I need to enlighten the world and if I don’t I’ve somehow failed. I am getting more comfortable stating my feelings. It’s still hard for me to not feel like I compromising my beliefs if I don’t speak out at everything I disagree with, but I’m getting better.

Breaking the cycle of control has been difficult, but I can only truly control my own thoughts and feelings. When things feel difficult or I’m stressed the root is almost always self-imposed. Finally identifying and addressing that has opened a whole new door on my journey.

2002-04-04T18:25:00.000-05:00

The friend I vented about a couple of weeks ago wanted to do lunch of spring break, so we met this afternoon. She’s feeling nausous and all the other typical early preganancy symptoms. Her DR appointment a couple of weeks ago went well and I think she is starting to enjoy her pregnancy a little. I told her I was surprised to hear she was considering going back to work PT after the baby was born. She said she wasn’t making any final decisions until it got closer, but that she did indeed want to continue working. The plan is for her mother to keep the baby in the days she is working. Then she says, “Oh, before I go any further, I wanted to ask you, would you want to keep the baby when Mom is out of town?”(her father is in pharmaceutical sales and travels several times a year, her mother usually accompanies him). I must’ve hesitated b/c she continued telling me that they would of course pay me and it wouldn’t be that often. I hesitantly said yes.

On the way home I called Jon to say hi. He asked how lunch was and I filled him in. Apparently the thought of me keeping her baby while she went back to work affected me more than I thought. As I talked about her request with Jon, I realized there was no way I could do that. I just find it too compromising of my principles. Babies and mamas belong together and choosing to go back to work b/c you want to, is something I just can’t support. I would do it solely b/c we’re friends, not b/c we need the money, although the extra cash would be nice to pay off the student loan. I’m just really bothered with the idea of voluntarily being away from your baby 2 and half days a week and feel like me agreeing to care for her child, even infrequently is in some ways like me condoning her choice.

I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot about this in regards to parenting choices lately. I find myself saying, “I think each family needs to do what works for them”, but then there are so many things I hear people doing that I just cannot agree with or even support. How does hitting your child, or bottle-feeding or daycare and the list goes on, “work” for your family? I feel at such odds when I hear people say these things b/c while I believe each family does find what works for them, who is there to speak of for those children who are so intimately affected by the choices their parents make? This keeps coming up and I don’t know how to make peace with it in my heart and mind.

2002-04-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

Edited b/c today's entry got posted twice. WTF is up with Blogger?? Will post about my lunch later...

2002-04-04T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well, Jon’s birthday turned out to be a success despite all my unconscious efforts of sabotage. Not that I wanted to ruin his day, but my tendency to overbook on days when I know I have things that must get accomplished is all too common. In typical Julie Ann style, I managed to completely overschedule and stress myself, but it somehow turned out just perfect.

A quick run down of all the excitement yesterday: went in to Charlotte for Toddler meeting, cordless phone gets dropped in toilet, make potato fougasse, bird gets into upstairs office, run down to neighbors to borrow some eggs for Jon’s birthday dessert, Lillie(our dog) kills bird{sigh}, now have dead bird in upstairs office, start working on Jon’s gift, get 4 calls from friends…no time to talk!!!, get Jon’s dessert and gift made, clean-up kitchen, manage to prepare a fabulous meal with some creative scrounging in the kitchen, share Jon’s b-day dinner al fresco and we’re both actually able to enjoy his special day, remind self(yet again)to not let special days and celebrations sneak up on me…must be better organized!

Here’s the thing with the UC movement that gets me the most. I often read the words of womyn who are planning an UC or who have given birth UC and hear about the paradigm shift a UC requires. Now, perhaps if I were to choose an UC, I would better understand this greater enlightenment that occurs with such a choice, but in my current state I’m missing it. I don’t think that making such a choice raises any one to a higher level of enlightenment anymore than choosing a HB. Making conscious, informed birth chooses, parenting choices or any other personal choice raises one’s level of empowerment and I guess ‘enlightenment’ just by virtue of such choices. It causes you to examine and quite often reject accepted norms, often followed by a search for alternatives and more knowledge so you can personally take control of your choices, instead of relying on the medical establishment or whoever for control.

I guess the thing that bugs me about the phrasing is that b/c I wouldn’t choose a UC, I’m somehow inferior or just don’t ‘get it’. I fully support a womyn’s right to give birth how she chooses. My thing w/ the UC movement is that I often see womyn throwing rational thought to the wayside in an effort to capture this ideal and ‘enlightenment’ they are somehow lulled into believing regarding an UC. If giving birth UC is something you truly feel is best for you, your baby and partner, I fully support doing so in a responsible, informed manner, but I don’t think it requires a paradigm shift. It requires careful planning, researching, learning and introspection, just like any informed choice one makes.

This has been a very interesting and thought provoking topic and I’m enjoying it quite a bit I must say, but Matthew and I need to get ready to meet a friend for lunch. :-)

2002-04-03T14:08:00.000-05:00

As I was nursing Matthew this morning and surfing my favorite sites, I read an UC birth story. With our LLL Toddler meeting this morning, I didn’t have time to blog about it right away, but it’s a long drive into Charlotte and I had lots of thinking time.

I was immediately disturbed as I read the account of this precious child’s entry into the world. I will freely admit I have NO desire to have an UC. There is no appeal or draw what-so-ever, so perhaps my view is a little skewed. I often read UCer’s thoughts that this is how birth is supposed to be b/c we were made knowing how to birth our babies.

Birth is an all-encompassing process. It requires that your whole being be there in the moment, being in tune with your body. There are so many raw and powerful emotions on both the mother and father’s part at the moments leading up to birth and the actual birth itself. It’s not enough to just know and understand the birth process on an intellectual level. I think seeing and helping a child enter the world is a vital aspect of truly knowing and understanding the birth process. And I’m not talking about your own child, I mean being present at someone elses birth. Understanding and seeing the responsibility and clear headedness(that’s a JA word, not Webster :P)required for birth. The fact is, someone needs to be in control during a birth and I think asking that of yourself or even your significant other is unreasonable, if not impossible. It goes against the primal urge to ‘let yourself’ go during the birth process. Having someone who is familiar with birth immediately available should there be a need(whether it be a medical or emotional need on the mother or father’s part)is a reasonable and responsible parental act.

{shrug} The running commentary in my head always sounds better than the words I type, but this UC thing has really touched and concerned me. I think sometimes in our quest to regain the pureness and instinctual qualities of raising our children, we deaden or disregard our rational thought process, but that’s just my .02

~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~

On to lighter notes around the homestead…today in Jon’s 27th birthday! So, in a minute I’m signing off to make a totally decadent birthday treat. It will be tofu free and trust me when I say that is one of the best gifts I can give Jon. I also need to get some other things whipped up around here. I was hoping Matthew would nod off at least for a little bit, but silly Mama, I should know better to count on such things when there are really things to be done! Matthew dropped the cordless phone in the toilet earlier. Looks like we’ll be getting a new phone this weekend. Oh, and I think that water table will finally get made. :P

2002-04-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

The weather here was beautiful yesterday and today looks equally as promising. (sorry to all those with snow!!) Although, in typical southern style, it is only supposed to around 50 tomorrow, at least that's what the neighbors tell me.

Jon and I were again talking about our what are goals in terms of moving are. We keep coming back to the NC mountains. The major selling points are:
long growing season
all 4 seasons, with none being excessivly long
close proximity to our home, so we could use the property until we're ready to permanently move
beautiful mountains

Negatives:
major one is the cost of land-we could get so much more for our money if we moved somewhere else
hotspot, lots of people around there b/c conditions are so nice

I know there are other +/-, but that's all my brain can muster at 8 am. We keep talking about other areas, but then we always come back to the NC mountians. We really want some place off the beaten path w/ about 10 acres. What we'd love to do is get the land when Jon's raise kicks in(whenever that may be!)and in a couple of years, build a small cabin for us to use. Eventually we'd build a larger house and that would be our guest house or whatever. We really like this plan http://www.countryplans.com/grandfather.html#Grandfather%20cottage%20plans%20kit. Here are a few photos of a house using this plan http://www.countryplans.com/gf_randy.html So, that's what we'd like to do, now to just make it happen!! That's the tricky part, huh?

Matthew is stretched across me sleeping!? He went to bed at 7:45p, woke up around 6a , but is apparently exhausted. Actually this may work out, since we have some errands to run.

I'm starting to get the, "When are you going to have another one?" line of questions. I've been telling people I don't want another one until Matthew has had the chance to be the baby. The truth is, I'm scared to have another baby. I mean, I really don't want another baby right now, but I'm also scared shitless for when the time comes. Jon and I have talked alot about the next baby's birth and he's totally supportive of a HB. (yeah!) But, I'm a little nervous. What if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I can't find someone to attend an HBAC around here? I need to work through this stuff before I actually find myself carrying a new life. With my awful birth experience with Matthew, there are all these lingering doubts and questions. I will start meditating on this.

It's not just birth that scares me, I'm not sure I can be a mama to 2 children. How do people do it? The fact is, I like having one child. We're in a groove, yk? I *do* want another child and I read about these womyn giving birth or experiencing the joys of pregnancy and I admit there is a little baby lust. Being a mother is something I love and something I've always wanted to do, so why the hell do thoughts of another amazing child leave me feeling toally in a panic?

2002-03-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

Back from our visit. All went pretty well. Jon's nephew, Bramdon, has alsways been frightened by dogs. His parents, especially his mom, perpetuate this fear and always have. He was there when we got there, as Bev is out of town(every weekend) and Scott was at work. He didn't freak out about Lillie at all and after wa while was petting her and running around playing with her. Scott was very surprised when he got there, but he was happy.

Matthew had great fun playing with his cousins. So, much fun he hardly nursed! :-( That made for a painful couple of days for me. I would offer, but he had no time for such things. Now that we're home, he's resumed his normal nursong patterns.

It's been rainy and gray all day, although I think the rain has subsided. We talked about running over to Crowder;s for a hike, but I'm not sure either of us is motivated enough to actually go and do it. I still need to unpack and maybe pick up a few things around here(namely this upstairs office, which is trashed!)

I hear the Papa, rolling a nd playing with the little one. I think I best go join in the fun. Perhaps, I'll update later tonight.

2002-03-27T23:44:00.000-05:00

testing...blog...blog

2002-03-27T23:22:00.000-05:00

Matthew had a pretty serious fall down the stairs today. I felt so bad. I should’ve been right there with him, but he got to the top of the steps before me and although he usually waits, he didn’t today. I am amazed he is not more battered. His face and forehead have those rug burn scrapes, but they are a result of landing on the hardwood floor. He recovered fairly quickly. After nursing, he took a long nap and woke up quite bright and cheery, as if nothing had happened! They are so resilient. It has taken me a little longer to recover, but now that I know he’s fine, I have begun to relax.

Well, the spirit of Martha bit me in the ass Monday and sent me on a cleaning frenzy. Ok, it wasn’t a frenzy at all, but I got the house swiffered, kitchen floor mopped, bathroom completely cleaned, sheets changed(I always do that on Monday), a load of laundry out on the line, everything dusted and the mirrors clean. I set the timer for an hour and just went to work. I did stop to nurse Matthew and to read a couple of stories, but I stayed focused and got it done. I am continuing to declutter bit by bit, although Jon already says the house looks like we’re getting ready to move(but he likes it). We have our not so clean spots, but for having a 1600sq(plus huge attic storage space), we really do not live with a lot of extra stuff.

We’re going to the in-laws Friday and will be coming back Saturday. We’ll be seeing Jon’s brother, SIL and nieces for the last time for quite a while. They’re military and are heading out to Japan in mid-April. I’m a little sad b/c I’ll be losing my e-mail buddy. Melody and I have done a fair amount of e-mailing and philosophizing on religion. We were both so happy to find someone to talk to regarding our spiritual journey, especially family! Paganism in all its forms does NOT bode well with a Church of God member, especially one who is the prayer coordinator(that would be Jon’s mom) and apparently Melody’s mom is equally zealot, so it’s been nice to have each other to chat with, yk?
It definitely makes the visit to the IL’s a lot more enjoyable! :P

Last thing before I head to bed. I was talking w/ an acquaintance/friend today. I met her at a LLL meeting several months ago and we get together every now and then to walk. Anyway, she’s telling me about their recent trip to LA(the bayou) and how her son was playing w/ his carseat cover(9.5 months old). She says, “I kept telling him no and he wouldn’t stop. I know you won’t approve, but finally after like the 10th time, I smacked his hand.” WTF??? You could not come up with ANYfuckingTHING else to distract him? Nine and a half months old! I just sat on the other end of the line in stunned silence. I know I should’ve been more assertive in my reply(and I did say something about how that totally negates their instincts and a few other things). I know she knew how I felt, but I’m still disappointed in myself. :-( Poor baby. I was wrapping up the conversation, but that ended it pretty quickly. This wasn’t somebody I was really close to and I wasn’t really trying to pursue a friendship or anything, but damn I’m going to be seeing her. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this, but I told Jon I’m not wasting anymore emotional energy on her. She always has lots of questions for me, which I’ve never minded answering or sharing my perspective, but damn, she hits her baby. That says it all to me and ends my involvement with her from my POV.

2002-03-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

It has been beautiful the last couple of days. I think it was close to 70 today! Jon is finally home. He didn’t get home until after midnight Thursday and then left for Charleston early Friday morning. I think he came in around 1 a.m. last night. :( We’ve been rather lonely around here!

Matthew and I have been keeping ourselves busy with lots of outside time and trips to the park. He is so funny when he gets around other children. He will just stand and watch, taking everything in, very much like his Papa. He is so interested in what other children are doing. He loves the swings at the park and will spend 20+ minutes swinging. It’s funny how he can be so intense about some things and then so mellow with others.

I’m not sure he can ever get enough outside time! Yesterday around 11 he came to me with that sort of, “I want something” noise he makes and pointed to the back door. I told him we’d go out right after I finished making the bed. Apparently, I wasn’t fast enough b/c he started banging on the door. I hope before long we are able to get him to a place where he can live and explore the way he was made to.

Well, the little one is out and I want to go snuggle with my honey, so I think I’ll cut this short.

2002-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

It’s been a nice day. It rained again last night and the day started rather bleak, but by this afternoon the sun was out and the clouds had melted away.

Matthew and I played outside for a while. He found some puddles of mud to splash(and drink) and we just sat for a while on the hill in the back yard. There was such a wonderful peace and calmness in the day. It was a perfect temperature outside and some many wonderful signs of spring. It such a great time for me to reflect. I don’t keep a running commentary with Matthew. I try to let him use his senses to absorb it all. He seems so content to do that at times.

We also went for a walk before dinner. The dogwoods are starting to bloom, as are the azaleas. The world will soon become infused with color once again and I love watching it unfold! The sun was starting to fade on our way home, so we got to see one of my favorite parts of the day. The little window when it’s not quite day any longer, but night hasn’t settled in either. There is a very magical quality about that time. It was one of those evenings when the sky was painted with soft blues, oranges and purples. It wasn’t vibrant or dramatic in any way, just sort of there in a quiet way waiting to be noticed. It was a wonderful way to end the day. I’m just sad Jon couldn’t be here to enjoy it with us.

Well, all the talk of Martha motivated me a little. I made 2 pizza crusts and had spinach-feta pizza for dinner. I’ll freeze the other one for next week. I put a load of laundry away and I’m certain I managed to do some others things, but I can’t seem to remember at the moment! Lest anyone think I keep a terrible house or something, I want to clarify. I keep the house tidy and picked up. I mop, sweep, keep up with the laundry, vacuuming, bathroom and dishes all on a weekly basis. I could probably dust, Swiffer the house(the whole house is hardwoods) and watch the cobwebs a little better, but we’re happy so I don’t stress too much. I wouldn’t dream of going a 2 weeks w/o changing the sheets and I hate not having the kitchen cleaned before going to bed, but that’s about the extent of my analness.

Jon finished one of Matthew’s play stands. He still needs to put the finish on, but otherwise it’s completed. It looks awesome! He’ll get the water table put together next and I want him to do a simple kitchen for his birthday or Yule. Jon was joking about how we needed a sign telling people what it was. He said, “You know everybody’s going to ask the same 2 questions-What is it and What does it do?” He’s probably not too far off. I totally love having a handy guy around. I think it really means a lot that he was able to make Matthew a toy. He’s looking forward to the other projects. There’s a special quality that surrounds toys made by a loved one’s hand.

Since Jon is coming home late tonight, I think I’ll yank the tv out of the attic and watch some mind numbing ‘must see tv’. The advertisements alone will irritate me off enough to remind me why we put it away in the first place, but I’ll do it just the same.

2002-03-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today is Ostara, although it’s stayed rainy and gray all day. I really don’t have anything grand planned. {sigh} Jon is totally supportive of my need for spirituality and the desire I have to give our children a sense of spirituality, he’s just doesn’t have a need for it. This sometimes makes it hard for me to stay motivated on my spiritual journey-case and point my lack of planning for Ostara.

I’ve managed to accomplish very little today in the way of a physical things to do list, but it has been a nice day for my spirit. Went to a Toddler Enrichment meeting, went to lunch with a few womyn afterward(adult conversation!) and then Matthew and I came home a snuggled up on the coach for a long afternoon nursing and rest time. I love getting to do that with him. I must remember it is equally important that I nourish my spirit. It is so easy to neglect my spirit or feel guilty when I haven’t checked a number of things off the proverbial ‘things to do list’.

I think we’ll be having something very easy for dinner tonight, probably Artichoke Wraps and spinach salad. I haven’t been to the store in a week and a half, so food choices are rather slim. Well, we picked some stuff up Saturday since we were having friends over for dinner that night. Anyway, Artichoke Wraps are easy and it’s a light, springy meal.

Jon just e-mailed me to let he would be coming home late tomorrow and is going down to Charleston Friday and may be there until Saturday. :-( I hate when he has to travel; even tho it is only a few times every couple of months. Blech. Now, I’ll have to find some way to entertain Matthew and I. I think we need more friends with children. Oh well, not much I can do about it.

2002-03-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

Yuck, yuck, yuck! Blech. This is why I need to get out of this place. I don’t think it is good for my mental health. I had lunch with a fried today. She’s somebody I used to work with and we’ve kept in touch. Anyway, she had a miscarriage in early Dec. and is pregnant again. She goes to her dr. today for her first appointment. Anyway, I was asking her if she’d see the DR (the place she’s using usually uses NP’s)and she was telling me it might be a MW, DR, NP or PA. I was telling her that I knew of several people who had recently given birth and were really pleased w/ the MW care they’d received. (that would be CNM, this is NC after all). She said seeing a MW made her really nervous b/c they wanted a DR there right away in case something happened. She’s hoping they’ll do an u/s today, b/c ya know she wants to know if anything is wrong. {sigh} I know she’s really worried b/c of the mc, but an u/s is not going to do anything! I shouldn’t talk, I was not too educated or well informed at all w/ M’s birth, but it’s just so frustrating.

In a phone conversation several weeks ago, she was asking if Jon and I were going to get away. I was telling her no, we didn’t really feel the need. We like being with our son. She goes on to tell me how she’ll be leaving her kid with everyone. Um, why are trying to have a baby then? I said as much to her. My tongue is going to turn purple from all the biting.

Anyway, I’m ready to move on. I’ve enjoyed many aspects of the south, but I think I need a place with a slightly broader spectrum of thought and the pickins are slim down yonder.

We really want some land to sustain ourselves, but I’m realizing that I don’t want to be so far out that getting to a library or cultural event is a major production. I want the best of both worlds. A place where we can do our own thing, utilize solar energy sources, alternative building structures and have a nice size garden without being all the way out in BF. Think it exists? Or do I just continue to dream…?

The other catch in my ultimate plan is Jon. He’s totally down with it, but he’s into logistics. How will he take of us? How will he find another job? Ect. I’m glad he’s a planner, but I’m a big time dreamer and every year we stay here, the goal moves farther away. Hell it’s been over a year since we first starting talking about our goal and what move have we made on it?

This, specifically March 14th's entry(Momnipotent) is pure inspiration to me, but Jon reads this and sees a million and one ?’s. Not that he wouldn’t do it, he just can’t get past the going for it part. I think the unknown and release of control terrifies him. But we will get to our dream, I know it will become a reality and that’s why I love him. He sees the bigger picture and wants to get to that point. It may take him a little time, but he’ll do it to the best of his ability, to give it the best chance of working.

Other news-my moon finally arrived yesterday. This was a huge relief. I would have been happy about a new person in our lives, but the time is not right. Matthew still has a very string need for me and a strong need to be the baby. I want to honor that need and wait until things are a little more settled.

2002-03-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

Matthew and I have been spending lots of time outside the past couple of days. The weather today was close to 70, so we were out for over an hour and a half. J It finally started to dry out, but the area by the retaining wall is still pretty much a mud pit. Matthew was walking around back there a bit, but he tripped and did not like the mud on his hands, so that was the end of that!

His favorite part about being outside is Jerry’s yard. Jerry is our next door neighbor. He and his wife have a penchant for tacky, plastic yard ornamentation. So, Matthew loves to wander over and play with the hideous plastic eggs and other paraphernalia. He also loves strolling down the sidewalk. I’m having a wonderful time enjoying the moment with him. It’s teaching me to just be.

An added bonus to the outdoor time is that he’s been crashing shortly after 7 and sleeping larger chunks of time before waking. I love that!

I’m not having much success getting anything accomplished in the house/ {sigh} I’m trying to include Matthew in the daily tasks and that is helping, but I can’t seem to get the floors mopped, which drives me crazy!!! I need to do a better job getting those tasks accomplished ion the morning when he is fresh and happy.

Finally, got the part order for Matthew’s carseat. The tether anchor should be here Tuesday! That’s been a PITA. The dealership is clueless. They had no idea the part and labor are supposed to be free according to Mazda Coorp., so it may prove to be interesting when service is rendered. Although, I gave the parts guy all the details, so perhaps he’ll have it worked out before Tuesday.

2002-03-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

Working on comments...tweaking them...blog blog blog.....

2002-03-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

Testing

2002-03-12T12:46:00.000-05:00

So, here’s the question of the week, where the heck is my moon?? I’m 4 or 5 days late and sort of starting to freak out. I keep thinking I’m getting ready to start, but then nothing. I’ll be seriously floored if I’m pregnant. Don’t you have to have sex for that!? Poor dh, with our busy baby hitting all these developmental milestones, I’ve been literally exhausted by bedtime. Well that, and the fact that until lately I’ve been unable to leave him, lest he wake up 10 minutes later. So, the couple of times we were able to connect hardly seem like they could’ve done it. {is hearing that school teacher voice in the back of my head, “It only takes one time…”}

I have taken 2 pregnancy tests and both have been negative. Intuitively I don’t feel pregnant, but I just can’t figure out what’s up. I’m one of those people you can set your watch by and I always have been. I’m feeling very out of control. This is not *the plan*, but there really is nothing I can do, so I’m just trying to relax.

Matthew is laying snuggly across my lap sleeping. Ahh, I love that. He’s so warm and sweet. We went to a LLL meeting this am and he always comes home exhausted and ready to nap. This was a baby meeting. I’m considering starting to phase myself out. I don’t really click with one of the leaders and I’m not sure I want to continue to participate after the other leader moves. Today something came up about using nursing as a negotiating tool and the leader (I’m not fond of) said something about how she can tell her toddler she can have nummies after she does x, instead of spanking her. WTF is up with that shit!? Just typing that out pisses me off. There were a couple of other comments that struck me wrong, so I’m taking that as a signal to move along. I think it may be time.

After Matthew wakes and we have lunch I think we going to hit the great outdoors. I got him some outdoor rain shoes. I love his Robeez shoes, but they just WILL NOT cut it in the rain. He loves being outside and I want to be sure he can take advantage of the outdoors in all types of weather, so I’m excited to find him appropriate shoes.

I’ve also been giving a lot of thought to getting involved in some community outreach. Dh and I have been talking about it for several months now and I feel like it’s time. We’ve been talking about how important it is for children to see you actively participating in community building activities. Jon grew up in a home where that occurred on an on-going basis. All of their activities were tied into their church and while that’s not really an option for us, I know there are hundreds of other options we can explore. I need to find something that is kid friendly and that’s my biggest glitch.

Jon’s company will give him up to a week off paid so he can participate in some type of volunteer capacity. He really wants to do something w/ Habitat and I think it will be great for him. He’s talked at length about how unhappy he is in his job and I think it’s primarily b/c he doesn’t feel like his work matters. He’s mentioned several times how he wishes he had a job that made a positive impact on people’s lives. I think it's something he's really struggling with internally. Anyway, I need to look into some options; I just don’t where to start.

2002-03-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

Hopefully, I’m back for good from my blogging hiatus. It’s been suggested that I type my thoughts in Word, then c&p into my blog. Apparently, Blogger likes to time out. I actually wrote several seething and foul worded entries exposing my frustration with Blogger, but yes they kept getting lost. Somewhere, in the land of blogs, there is a collection of all the lost posts…ahh the collective wisdom gathered there. haha

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to depression and the internet. My family of origin has a history with depression, both diagnosed and undiagnosed, so this is a subject I hold very close. It has had a very profound impact on my life and the lives of my family.

I wonder what is about the internet that draws people with such force. Like a silent mistress seducing you, calling you when you know there are other things to be done. Is it the level of escapism that it provides? Is there some sense of greater belonging and connection that is found in the realm of the unseen? Are we somehow able to truly be ourselves behind the keyboard or is just easier to become the person we’d like to be?

I’m totally skipping around in my thoughts (can you imagine what it’s like to be in my head!?). The reason I’ve been giving thought to the internet (specifically on-line communities) and depression is b/c two weeks ago I made a true and real effort to be off-line. For several days I didn’t even turn on the computer. I got on for a grand total of an hour and it was nice. There was this sense of control in my life. I read several books in that week and spent a good deal of time outdoors. I should say, I don’t spend endless hours on-line. Usually, I’m naking or just killing time. Of course, I’m sure it’s a lot like watching television. I think the national weekly average among adults is around 21 hours a week, but few think they watch 3 hours a day. Perhaps there’s a personal challenge for me-keep track of the number of hours I spend on the internet for one week. I’m curious now what it would work out to be. I may just have to come back to my comment about not spending endless hours on-line.

Anyway, the impetus behind my ponderings was a poll at YAAPS. The feelings of spending too much time on-line came up several times. There are many womyn who struggle daily w/ depression and I wonder how much being on the computer plays into their struggle. I’m not suggesting getting off the computer will solve the depression, but I know at my darker times I’m more inclined to use the computer to escape and I’m sure I’m not alone.

I’ve read several stories of womyn who’ve left on-line communities and report feeling a sense of renewal. So, I wonder, what effect does extended internet time have on a person who fights depression? I use the word extended b/c being a member of an on-line community does require a certain level of commitment and time on one’s part. To truly be a part of the community, you must invest your time. If you’re looking for friendship (and I think that’s why most womyn are there) then, like any other relationship, you must invest part of yourself and your time.

I think the reality is, being a SAHM is difficult. It can be alienating, depressing and frustrating. On-line communities help bridge the gap between the world ‘out there’ and the one SAHMs live day in and out. It can be wonderfully refreshing to debate, connect and share our daily lives with womyn who understand your core parenting values, but does one have the ability to recognize when the world behind the screen is having a negative effect on their life and the lives of their family members?

2002-02-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'm back. With my mom here last week I just didn't really find any time to update and this week has been crazy! We've had somewhere to be every day this week.

I made a pretty amazing dinner last night. A red pepper and walnut pate on (store bought, shh don't tell anyone)bread, homemade mashed potatoes graced with Portabello mushroom slices and a ginger sesame marinade and green beans. It was delicious and Jon actually liked the marinade, he's not usually a ginger fan. Then dessert. It looked wonderful and chocolatey, but alas, looks truly are not everything. I know some can get it to work(hell I've had it work in cookies), but tofu in dessert just isn't natural. Dessert is meant to be decadent, a splurge and tofu somehow robs every sweet treat of such decadence. Jon's said no more funky cakes. If we want cake, he says to just make a regular cake and forget trying to make it some healtful indulgence. It's an oxymoron. I'm a little sad tho. I really wanted to master the art of healthful desserts... Thank the gods I did pick up some truly decandent Godiva ice cream. It made up for the cake fiasco.

The visit with my mom wasn't too aggrivating. Matthew had a lot of fun playing with her and stayed very busy. I got the living room drapes up. There not perfect, well they were Sat. night, but my mom in an effort to perfect them, somehow managed to completely screw up an hour of work, but they do look better now. I still have one curtain in the guest room to finish, but the house is really starting to feel homey.

Turns out my quiting work was the best thing we could've done financially. With our deductions, not having my measly teacher's salary moved us way down the tax bracket, so our tax return is great this year! We'll be able to pay pff the video camera and take another decent chunk from my student loan. Now, if Jon's raise(that we've been waiting on for TWO years) will come through we'll actually be able to pay off the school loan by the end of the summer! YK, even if he didn't get a raise we'll be fine. I'm glad we decided to get less of a house than we could've afforded. I still sometimes wish we were in Charlotte, but only for selfish reasons. I actually like where we are for the most part and we definitely have more house than we would've in the city. I still want to move sometime, but I think we'll be here longer than we intended.

2002-02-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, I’m starting to get pissed with this whole blog thing. It fucking lost my brilliant post, AGAIN!! Now, I cannot afford to waste valuable brain cells trying to recreate my thoughts everytime this happens. Dammit, there was some real insight in my latest ramblings. So, I’m putting it in Word, where it will not be lost, until I can be assured that it will show up on my blog.

Well, I’ll try again, be assured I was much wittier(is that a word?) and more profound in the original entry.

The weather has remained dismal today. I think I got a little spoiled with those 80* temps last week. A return to our February norms was inevitable.

I have some whole wheat bread raising. I decided against the buns, definitely would’ve been bread overkill. Unless Jon is really wanting some buns, I’ll just make them next week.

I got the other two parts of the guest room curtains completely serged. They will be finished and up by the end of the weekend, barring any technical difficulties. My mom and I will also work on the living room curtains. After the curtains get put up, we’ll be pretty much finished with the guest room. Our room and the living room! WooHoo! Although, we still have a little painting to complete, they’ll be finished for the mose part. I ‘m thinking once I get the curtains put up in the rooms that I’m going to want some for our bedroom as well. We’ll see.

Alright, this is the part that I’m most pissed about losing, but I’ll try again.

With all the shit that has gone down at my internet home, I’m feeling hurt and betrayed. I’m not really angry with anyone specifically, it’s more situational. All I ever wanted from my very first post was to hang out, chat about M and maybe our current reads. I wanted a place to go for info and support. Apparently, I picked the wrong place. I gave a little part of myself to AMU and now that I’ve seen the wizard behind the curtain…well I feel very blinded and taken advantage of. I keep thinking about those who’ve been through this before. Wow! How do they feel? Actually, many are probably breathing a sigh of relief right about now.

The saddest part is the people that stay b/c they are prisoners. They have a very real need to be connected and this outlet meets that need. They’ll ignore or look past what has happened b/c they need their outlet. Let’s face it, the Alternative Parenting community isn’t exactly bursting(on the net or IRL) and so they’ll stay. I’m not knocking their need at all, hell I have that need, but you can bet your thong I’m not jumping back into that burning pool over at MN. Nope. It’s like the aftershocks following an earthquake. What happens if AMU comes back up, are those people that shared their home(MN)going to feel a little used? All those, “Thanks for letting us rest over here” posts. {shrugs shoulders} I don’t know, it feels very parasitic to me and I think everyone is just being set-up for more hurt feelings.

I am hoping everyone can find a way to heal their past hurts and resolve their feelings. We have a hard enough time living peacefully IRL, we shouldn’t have to try so hard at places we choose to go on the ‘net!

2002-02-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

So, why is it the later Matthew goes to sleep, the earlier he wakes up? Seriously, I think he fell asleep around 10:15 last night and was up by 6:15 this morning. I do fully recognize how good I have it with him. He really does sleep well for the most part(translation-fits my sleep patterns well). I totallly know I have it coming to me next time around!

I think today will be a mostly jammie day. It is still pretty nasty and cold and frankly, I don't feel like getting dressed. Screw the FlyLady, I can still get some shit done without my shoes on! I would like to make some burger buns(which are great all purpose buns for hummus sandwiches and other lunch delights)and some whole wheat bread, although that may be overkill in the bread department. I also need to do a quick spin around the house and return some things to their proper place. My mom is coming tonight and I want the house to be picked up.

The great thing about all of our decluttering/simplifying is that with less stuff it's easier to keep the house clean. Sounds totally logical, right? Then why the hell do people hold on to so much crap they'll never use?? Now, I'm by no means perfect. I have plenty of things I can still get rid of, but we have made some real head way and it does feel good! Especially when it comes to cleaning and keeping the house picked up. It may get a little messy, but we can get it straightened pretty quickly.(Just don't look in the hall closet, I'm getting to it I swear!)

2002-02-06T21:13:00.000-05:00

It's been rainy and nasty here for the majority if the day. I'm *really* tired, which is b/c I'm pre-menstrual. I think as soon as M zonks I'll climb into bed and read some more of _Lady Chatterly's Lover_. I've sort of put it aside these last couple of weeks, as I've been trying to get some other reading accomplished.

When I get a little more time I'm going to try to tweak out this page a little more to reflect my current style a little better, but I can't even think about doing it right now.

I was looking in the mirror today and realized I look old. Now, I'm not really old, 27, but my face looks so old. I think it's b/c of my shitty skin. My eczema seems to be flaring up again so my skin looks all red and splotchy. Not very attractive. :( And definitely not youthful, I swear it adds 10 years.

Have I mentioned latley how cute M is? He is so amazing and brings us so much happiness every day! He's really into sharing latley. He loves to give me a bite of his food or show me things. He also *loves* to be read to. His latest favorite is _Silly Sally_ by Audrey Wood. I've read it a couple of times each day since Monday, so I now have it imprinted in my brain and can recite it at whim. He's also been walking a lot more. I can see his crawling decreasing almost daily. Before long, I'll have to rack my brain for mental images and memories of that crawling baby. That or pull out the video, don't want to injure myself too badly. :b

Doesn't look like the sleep fairy will visit my house in the next litlle while, so I think I'll head downstairs to clean the kitchen. (gotta love those late afternoon naps!)

2002-02-05T19:52:00.000-05:00

Not too much of a shock here.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

2002-02-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

They finished our retaining wall today! WooHoo! It looks really good. Now, we can work on making our garden little more permanent. Jon is going to build another raised bed, fence around the ledge perimeter so little people(Matthew?) :) don't take a flying leap off and maybe build some herb boxes. In my dreams it looks like a beautiful, cozy outdoor space. Now, to make tjose dreams reality. I am really hoping he'll get the area under the deck screened in. We need a flat play space in our otherwise downhill yard.

Went to visit Jeff and Annie last week. It was a rather difficult visit at times. Jeff just got a reporting job in WV which he loves. Annie id missing her family I think, but is trying to make the best of the situation b/c she knows how much Jeff wants to follow his current dream. So what was so bad about said visit? Gail, their 16.5 month daughter. I feel so sad for her. She woke up at 5:30 Weds. morning and stayed in her bed, by herself until 7:15. Annie said she couldn't tell if it was M or G making the talking noises. I was in and out of sleep, but she was so sad and grounchy when she finally got out of bed. I felt terrible for her.

Now, my mom writes Annie and Jeff letters (or at least a letter) commending their heavy handed parenting. How sick! When she finishes with a visit with them, she always tells me how Gail really knows her boundries(I laugh as I think of Gail climbing on the table for like the 10th after Annie tells her no. She offered no redirection or understanding of Gail's developmental needs). Next time my mom tries to bring this passive somparison shit up, I'm calling her on it. I'm not going to listen to her bs with my mouth closed. I think that sends the message that I somehow agree with what she's saying and I just can't get it together with my own kid. That is so NOT the case.

Oh, all this stuff that happened with the online communities got me thinking about how children can be. That whole "I won't let you play with my toys unless you play with them the *right* (insert my) way" mentality. Certainly seems to be what is happening with some.

2002-02-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

Dammit, dammit, dammit! I just spent another 15 fucking minutes retyping my earlier entry only for it to fuck up again! This is seriously getting old. Fuck it, I'm going downstairs to spend some time with my husband. I have to deal with this shit later.

But, before I go, Shit to knock out this week...
Fold and put away laundryX
Get curtain patterns from LoriX
Hem slips for MamawX
Sew curtain pieces togetherX(and actually finished one curtain!)
Snack sign-up sheetX
Clean kitchenX
Clean bathroomX
Practice some serious meditation in preparation for Mom's visit

2002-02-04T17:04:00.000-05:00

Well fuck, I just posted my thoughts and a whole bunch of other shit and something happened to it...connection timed out maybe? Damn computers! Included in my insights was my 'shit to knock out this week' list...guess I don't have to do it since it doesn't exist anymore. :b Well, I'll be back later and attempt to change my world one more time.